Monday, September 17, 2012

My Matchstick Girl Rewrite

When I began this story I simply just started writing. I didn't realise I was rewritting this particular story until I was about halfway through and then new where it was going to end up.




            The cold of the brick made its way through the threadbare coat wrapped around Paul's shoulders. The cloud of breath blown into his cupped hands did little to warm them. His favourite jeans were held together with duct tape and safety pins.
            A soft clink let him know another coin had been deposited into his out stretched cap. Their once shiny surface, all worn for being repeatedly passed from one person to the next, yet each still held the continued promise of survival. Another meal, another day. Maybe, enough soon, before the store closes.
            Fake lights turned the ground into an artificial day, the scurry of the normals pulsed at a continued and regular pace. Each surge brought about by impulses sent increased and decreased the flow. The city moved and thrived. Yet he sat by his wall, lodged on place, feeling their flow and movement until the deep of night finally settled in cutting the flow and giving the city a sense of still.
            Paul's gaze travelled up. The flicks of movement played across the sky's backdrop. Swirling specks of white danced across the night. Greeting, touching, dancing, playing together as they made their way from heaven to earth. Vibrating to him they seemed, to there own frequency or from the shivers shaking his body. Each unique, a life of there own, until finally descended into the slush of the sidewalk, each promise of a wonderful white world turned stale.
            The cold settled into Paul's body. He closed his eyes and pictured better days. His mum had taken the two of the to the coast for that last summer. The brilliant blue sky barely broken by any intruding clouds. The itchiness of sand and how it had simply gotten everywhere. No matter haw often he washed or brushed it still had grained itself into his skin.
            His memories brought him back to the sea itself; it's gentle tug on his skin pulling him, pushing him. He liked to just float and let the sea take him, to surrender to its forces and become one with it. It's green colour, his favourite, reflecting the warmth from the sun, shinning, shimmering, lifting his heart each morning when him mum would pack the basket full of food and bring him down to it's joyful fun.
            But the memory he clung to was the one's of her. How she would sit in the chair and watch him all day, how she smiled as he ran around the beach terrorising the seagulls and laughed at his expression when she showed him how to hear the sea in a shell. Hundreds of little things that brought the life back to her eyes. Life that had been missing from her for the past several months. He loved how her soft chestnut hair grew and she began to look less pale. That summer brought his mother back to him, if only for a brief time.
            The rough hand roused him from his sleep. Blearily he looked around, coming back to the city. The cop picked him up and put him on his feet. Paul ignored his words instead looking for his hat, his money, but it was gone. He knew that. This was not the first time it had happened. The cop shook him. He pointed to a waiting car and grabbing the jacket walked him forwards. Paul new what was coming, a station, then a group home. One more abuse after another. With a start he was out of the jacket and running. His bare chest stood out against the dirty snow.
            He tore down alleyways and through abandoned buildings. His blood racing and urging him on, finally he stopped running and hid in the stairwell of a apartment building. He imagined the families above in their warm cosy boxes, watching TV or playing games together, food generously shared and love freely given. The tears froze on his cheek.
            Paul pressed his body deep in the corner of the stairwell and pulled his knees to his chest. His face buried in there crevice. Soon he felt the shivering return and then stop, a calm centred on him as his body warmed up. He turned to stare out the opening and there stood his mother. With an outstretched hand she called to her son, He stood and ran to her, ran to the warmth and the light she offered. She held him in her arm and he knew he was loved and wanted again, knew this time they would never be separated.
           
            Officer Jenkins stared down the stairs at the body of the boy he had tried to help last night. Called when the alarm was raised by a tenant finding his body frozen and curled up. He watched as the coroner laid his body out on the stretcher and wheel him to the awaiting ambulance. He pulled the jacket the kid had left behind and covered him with it. Dignity given to the child, some respect. The crowed onlookers broke into silence upon looking at the tiny body. Jenkins walked with the body, when the lifted him up the jacket jostled and a piece of newspaper fell out. An obituary circled, Evelyn succumbing to her illness, survived by her son Paul. Wrapped in the paper a photograph. The boy sitting on the beach, an ice cream in his hand. A woman behind him, both arms wrapped around holding him as if she never wanted to let go. And now she never will Jenkins thought to himself.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Therapy


            "Are you mad at him?"
            "You're the shrink, you tell me. Should I be mad at him?"
            Dr Conner taped his pencil in the side of the tablet. It's plastic click spilled out in a rhythmic wave.
            Tick
            Tick
            Tick
            Tick
            "Fine, yes I am angry. Wouldn't you be? Again he shows he doesn't love me. " I twist in the love seat, my legs hanging over one of the arm rests, my head over the other. It's as close to laying down in the cramped off as I can come. "The whole day was planned. We had lunch reservations and this wonderful little Italian place we both like. I had tickets to the Mary Poppins’s musical, Shopping in between. Yet his sister is staying up a day longer and he wants to be with her."
            I looked over at the doc watching him write. I gave up hours ago asking what notes he made about me.
            "Was there anything special about that day?" He asked with a soft voice.
            "Not really, the date was nothing special. It was our anniversary a couple of weeks ago. We couldn't celebrate it. I was hoping today we could."
            "Did he know that?"
            I looked at the holes in the celling tiles "He didn't bother asking"
            "Yes, but did you tell him?"
            "I told him I had reservations and tickets. I didn't tell him what to. He never asked. He just wanted to be with Susan."
            "She lives overseas right? Wouldn't he want to spend as much time with her as possible before she goes back home."
            I rubbed my face, "in one day, he spent more time with her than he did with me all last month. Is it any wonder I feel worthless?"
            Dr Conner's put the tablet done on the desk behind him. Resting his elbows on his knees, hands clasped together in front.            
"Look at me Simon," I turn my head. His eyes peer through the glasses right at me. "Your self worth is not tied in with how he treats you. From what you have told me he is going through a lot himself right now. You need to stop judging yourself by how he see and treats you. Show him some compassion and be there for him."
            I sit up proper. Feet on the carpet. Hands on face to hide the tears. "I can’t help it. He made me believe he loved me, he told me he would be there. But where is he. Is it too much to ask for one day?"
            With a sigh he sits back in his chair, "no, it's not to much to ask for, but just because you ask doesn't mean it can happen. And when it doesn't you can't keep breaking down like this."
            "So what? Just smile and accept the rejection. It doesn't matter. Right?"
            Dr Conner's took my hands off my face. He kept them in his hands, palm up. The bandages stood out on both wrists. Blood seeping through the wrappings where the missing ring finger on my left hand had once been.
            "This is not the way to handle it. This is an extreme reaction for what happened. No one should have this much control over your emotions. No one, but you."
            I looked down at the mutilated hands. I don't remember much. Alcohol, razors, knives. I had been drunk and pretty liberal with where I put them in my body. Doctors took hours to stop all the bleeding. And now I was back here, another 5 day psych hold.
            "I don't matter, all I did just put on the outside what I felt on the inside."
            "Why didn't you leave him?"
            "We were good once, it started so good. I don't know where we went wrong. Where he lost his way with me, where I became the needy one. I wasn't like this. I used to be strong. I used to be able to handle rejection. When it was all I knew. He gave me hope. And I trusted him. I jumped all in. only, when I jumped he took the ground and now I am falling. I'm so lost and tired."
            I couldn't hide the tears now, didn't want to. The streams flowed down. It went on for a while. Dr Conner just sat there, letting me get it all out. When I calmed down, he gave me some pills to take. I stood and exited the room. The orderly that had brought me in still stood there. Waiting for me. He took me back to my empty single bedroom and sat there. Watching me. When you’re classified as High Risk for Self Abuse they don't take their eyes off you.
            

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Draft (2012-08-20)


"How long have you been cheating on me?"
The fork that was halfway to my mouth I rested back onto the plate. Brian sat across from me on our little apartment table. His face downcast as if concentrating on his food. Barely a bite of it eaten. His hands gripping his utensils.
"If you are asking that question, then don't you already know?"
He looked up at me, his eyes bloodshot from tears. A couple days of dark growth covered his face.
"I want the truth, from you."
I looked at him, for the first time in week I looked at the man I was living with. He had lost weight, new lines had appeared on his face. I never knew him to look so old.
"Sometimes it seems like it has only just happened. Other times, it feels like years."
Tears began to fall, "That's not an answer, tell me who it was that was worth throwing all this away for?"
I stood, picked up my plate and dumped it in the sink. I wasn't going to eat anymore of it.
I couldn't move from the sink, I felt rooted to that spot. I griped the bench for support.
"There is no this, there is nothing here for us. You have got to kidding yourself if you think that is anything here."
I felt the plate smash on the wall, "Then grow some balls and just leave me."
"I tried, oh god how I have tried. I spent so long trying to get you to realise that there are problems with us. You ignored me. You acted like you just wanted to bury your head in the sand and hope it all goes away. For months I tried doing CPR on the corpse of this relationship. Eventually, I just had to give up. So I tried to end it. You wouldn't let me. Every time I tried, every time I told you what was wrong, that was when you fought for us. And I though, maybe this time it will be different. And for a minute it was, but then it just all went back. That night, after you left me crying in that carpark, after I told you I needed you and you told me no, after that, I was done."
I turned and looked at him then. He was was just sitting there, pasta sliding down the wall, shards of plate on the carpet. His face blank and emotionless.
His voice was calm, "so when did he come into it?"
I was stunned, "Did you not hear anything I just said?"
"Yeah, I did. But I don't care about your excuses. You cheated on me. You ended this, not me."
"This has been ended for years. You just never had the courage to acknowledge it. All I did was put my life together and try to move on."
"WE LIVE TOGETHER."
I looked him right in the eyes, "We share an apartment, but there is nothing 'together' about us. When was the last time we made love? Hell when was the last time we went out together? Or even spent the night in the apartment together?"
"God, you really don't care do you?"
I turned and walked into the bedroom.
"I haven't had a reason to care about us for a very long time."
I went to my backpack and grabbed the pack out of it's side pocket. I walked back in to the main room, past Brian and out on to the balcony closing the sliding door. I stood gazing over the waterfront buildings and out into the darkness of the beyond.
The smoke felt good in my lungs. Its effects calmed my nerves. I never heard the door open. I just felt his presence next to me.
"I thought you quit."
"I had, I have."
He grabbed the cigarette out of mouth and threw it of the balcony, "then you don't need that."
I sighed and pulled another one from the packet and lit this one, "Doc wants me back on them, he says it helps to calm me down."
"Your 're seeing your shrink again?"
"I needed someone there for me."
"Is that who this man is? Someone there for you."
I took a drag, the light briefly illuminating my face.
"What do you think you know?"
"I don't understand," He said while shaking his head. "What do you mean by that?"
"Obviously someone has told you something, seen something. Some part of your social life," I couldn't keep the disdain from my voice, "has run back and whispered something in your ear. So I want to know what they saw? What they said? What you think you know?"
"You are talking about my friends, And I don't need to tell you anything."
"Then neither do I."
The sound of the wind was the only thing we heard for the next little while.


Tuesday, June 5, 2012

2012-6-6 (Today's short story)


            Untitled by Troy Jones.

             Smoke curled up from the cigarette in his fingers. It quiet light the only thing illuminating his face. She watched from across the road. The sign of the petrol station flickering with age and disrepair. Its walls covered in flaking paint and dirty glass.
            His hand slowly reached up pulling the stick to his lips allowing another intake of the smoke. His chest expanded as he took it into is lungs and released into a hacking cough. She pushed the door of the car open. Looking both ways along the deserted road she hurried to his side.
            "Are you okay?"
            The old man turned to her. His weathered hand reaching to grasps hers, “Is that you darlin?"
            "Yeah it's me Pa. Are you okay? You should quite. You know what the doctors said the last time you were there."
            He turned away and back to the door behind. Pulling out keys from his pocket he locked the gas stations door.
            "Doctor's? What do they know? They don't know my life or me. These things are the only things keeping me going." It was an old argument one the two had, had many times before, "Anyway what are you doing here?"
            "It's late and there is a storm on its way. Grandma asked me to pick you up, saves you having to walk in the rain."
            "I would of been fine. A little water ain't hurt nobody."
            "That may be true" Taking his arm and leading him to her pickup "But neither did a car ride"
            "Your Grandmother worries to much, but in 58 years of marriage I have learnt not to anger the women. Lead on young one."
            She walked him the car and helped him inside allowing him enough time for a final puff before he stamped the smoke out. Safely seated inside they pulled out just as the first few drops of rain started to thump on the car. With a purr of the engine they headed south down the road.
            Silence stretched out in front. Familiar and comfortable. The thuds on the roof adding a steady beat to the silent hum of the engine. She griped the leather on the steering wheel. Twin pools of light showing the framed picture the night allowed to illuminate.
            His voice wafted over to her, a gentle blanket in the cold night "So how are things with you?"
            "School is good. We got exams coming up so I thought I would do a quick visit now before I get locked away for the next month with study."
            "A small break then. That’s nice. What about this fella I heard about, did he come down with you?"
            "Dave? No he and I broke up. It's just me now."
            "From the sounds of things he was never right for you. Being a lawyer. Scum is what they all are and they spend much to much time away from home."
            A quiet sob entered her voice "He was a good man. I couldn't fault him for that."
            He turned to stare at his Granddaughter "But there is more to this isn't there? What did he do to you?"
            She laughed at the gruff tone his voice had taken. She could just imagine the two squaring off in a fight against each other. "He didn't do anything wrong Pa. It wasn't him"
            She felt his eyes leave her as he turned to stare back out the window. She turned her focus back to the road, the rain was getting harder now and she needed to really concentrate, but images of the last few months kept creeping in. Her and Dave hardly seeing each other. Texts and emails being the only real for of communication. Her friends birthday party. Having too many beers. Waking up next to a stranger in her bed. The guilt of her actions. The fear of Dave finding out. Then finding out she was pregnant.
            She had come back to her childhood home. Were everything had been safe and easy to decide what she wanted to do.
            It took her a while to register the hand on hers. To feel the callouses and strength ebbing through the fingers gripping hers on the wheel and realise that she was being spoken to. Slowly she pulled over to the side of the road.
            His voice was soft and soothing. One she had heard a hundred times before when he was trying to clam one of their animals down. "It’s okay, you'll be okay. It's all fine." The repetition on the words blended in with the hum and she wiped the unknown tears away from her eyes. When the engine cut off the thunder of the rain on the roof was the only sound until she spoke again. While they sat she poured out the entire story awaiting her grandfathers roar of disapproval. Instead he unbuckled his belt and reached across to hug her. She buried her face in his shoulder and cried the tears she had been holding back for weeks now.
            Finally when it was all over, the tears all gone she started the car and carried on. The only words her Pa had told her is that they would sit together as a family and talk again when they got home. The road the rest of they way in silence. It was until she pulled into the driveway did she notice that the rain had stopped and the first star had decided to peak out from the clouds and shine.