Oscar nudged my knee and I turned
my face towards the automatic door. Momentarily cutting off the low sounds of
voices and classical music, and replacing them with the din of the traffic
outside. My hands gripped tighter to the coffee cup. It's warmth seeped into
the palms of my hand. I took a swig. Dutch courage.
It
was her smell that told me she had arrived at the table. The soft hint of cinnamon
and lavender mixed together with a million other things that as men, we aren't
supposed to know, but to appreciate and comment on. The memories also came back
with that smell. A life that had been filled with laughter, with tears, with
passionate kisses and equally passionate arguments. Her smiling face, green
eyes and mousey brown hair were centre frame in all those memories. It had been
our life. It had been a good life, until...
The
scraping of the chair along the hard floor brought me back to the present and
Oscar and I ambled to our feet in a sense of chivalry. Her soft little laugh
wafted across the table, as if trying to melt the wall I had spent years building
around my heart.
"You
were always such a gentlemen"
"No,
but I always tried"
"Yes,
you did."
A waiter came over, his pen
scratching along his note pad.
"Evening
ma'am, would you like a drink?"
"Yes,
white wine"
"Which
one would you like?"
"Just
the house Sav will be fine"
A slight tsk, and some more of the
scratching sounds
"Very
good, and sir, another for you?"
A shook my head no, but jerked my
thumb at Oscar "But he'll have some water." The waiter huffed for a
moment and then just moved off.
I
don’t know how I knew, it’s this new trick I have learnt, but I knew those two
were taking the measure of each other.
"Don't
worry, he doesn't bite."
"How
did you…" She trailed on in that surprised tone.
"Because
everyone does the same thing," I said to make her feel at ease. Oscar
brushed against my leg as he got up and left me. Her chair scrapped again as it
turned.
"He
doesn't talk much, but he knows all his manners."
Oscar let out his usual ‘hello’
grunt and I knew they were shaking hands. Once done, I also knew he would leave
her and come sit back beside me.
"And
he is your..?"
"Friend",
I said cutting her off, "Boon, life companion. Its just us now."
The conversation, silence stretched
out uncomfortably between us.
"So
have you been?" I volunteered
"I
have been good, the gallery is going well since the remodel and the we have
been asked to put on a new show. What about yourself?"
"Travelling
mostly, the books are doing quiet well
“Oh yes, I read
them, they were quite wonderful. Better even than I remember.
“I have more time on my hands now to get them right, it’s just writing
and touring.
“Touring?
“Promoting my books. I’m told if I do the tour the gimmick of all this
helps the sales."
Her
words came out quick and sharp "You are not a gimmick"
Her hand reached
out and touched mine. Our first contact in three years and it was like the
first time she had touched me all over again. Slow moving electricity flowed up
my arm, hairs standing straight up marking her progress. Before it could reach
my chest and I jerked my hand back.
The
silence descended on us again. Her finger’s began tapping away on the table in
time with the music. An old nervous habit.
It
was her that cracked first this time, "How come you are here, instead of your place in Newmarket?"
"I
sold it. I spent a year in that place recovering, learning how to live again. I
don't want to go back." I couldn't keep the hostility out of my voice.
"I'm
sorry.” Her voice softened, “I tired to visit but I just couldn't..." her
voice trailed off.
"What?
You couldn't be with someone like me?" gesturing to my face.
The
soft clink of glass on table brought me back to where I was. Oscar started
drinking right away from his water. I quietened but the wall was gone. A quiet
anger filled me. I knew this would happen. I should never of agreed to see here
again.
"You
weren't the only one to be hurt in that accident you know. It affected all of
us." her voice was soft, barely loud enough to be heard.
"Oh
yes, it hurt all of you but I am the only one that has to live permanently with
its scars." My hands gripped the edge of the table.
"I
didn't come here for a pity party." She stood and there was more scraping
of that damned chair.
I
let out the breath I had been holding. "Sit, please. I'm sorry. It's just
being back here has rekindled a lot of the old memories and anger, and I am
sorry."
She
sat; I didn't speak as I tried to order my thoughts again. I found my coffee
cup and took another swig. The clink of glass let me know she had been doing
the same as well.
"I'm
in therapy. I'm trying to deal with it, but it's hard. I know that accident
hurt other people but I can't help feeling like I got most of the pain of it.
It ruined my life. It ruined us."
"The
accident didn't ruin us, you did.” Her words crashed against me, and the
defences shattered like glass. “You were so angry about what had happened, so
angry about what you lost that you just angry with everyone. You were in so
much pain, but you wouldn't allow anyone near you, to help you. You pushed us
away. I didn't leave you because of the crash. I left, because of what you let
it turn you into."
I
bowed my head into my hands and for the first time allowed the tears to flow.
"
I know it was my fault, the accident and then afterwards."
She
was by my side. She lifted my glasses and looked into my scared face. Her hands
moved over tracing each line and wiping away the tears and this time I didn't recoil
from her touch. Instead I reached out and touched her back. The soft smooth
velvet skin took me back to nights spent in each other’s arms. I couldn't help
but follow the usual curve of her face and down to that long slender neck. I
couldn't stop the sensations all came back. Her arms held in tight, palms on
either side of my face. My hands on her shoulders slipping down her back till our
lips met and the whole world stopped. Her we were again. In our same, old,
wonderful positions. I pulled her forward, tiled he head slightly and stopped
when I felt the baby in her belly give a tiny kick.
Slowly
I eased back. The walls slowly slipping back into place.
"Your
pregnant"
"Yeah"
She herself pulled back, and I felt when she stopped touching me. We stood.
"Congratulations,"
I stopped talking for a moment, "but wine?"
"A
single glass isn't bad, and it's the first I've had since I found out about him
seven months ago. I just needed the courage to see you again."
A
little laugh escaped me, "him? A boy? Whose the father?"
"A
good man, someone I care for deeply."
A
hint of regret entered my voice "You once said that I was the love of your
life."
I
could hear the sadness in her voice. "You still are, but you aren't the one
I get to spend my life with. Besides you now have Oscar." Oscar grunted as
if to acknowledge that statement.
She
touched my shoulder and her lips brushed my cheek. "I have to go now, we
should do this again sometime"
"Absolutely"
I said knowing I would never see her again.
"Goodbye
Steven." she said and I could hear the finality in her voice.
"Goodbye."
She began walking off and for the
first time I heard the distinct click of her high heels.
"Grace,"
I called after her, the clicking stopped. "For what it worth, that year,
losing you, is one of the biggest regrets of my life. I sorry. I am so
sorry."
I
never looked back at her and no one told me what she did. All I heard was her walking
again and then the sound of cars and she was out of my life. I reached back to
the table and grabbed Oscars leash. I unfolded my cane and tapped my way out of
the hotel bar and towards the elevators.
