Assignment One: Voices 2012

Oscar nudged my knee and I turned my face towards the automatic door. Momentarily cutting off the low sounds of voices and classical music, and replacing them with the din of the traffic outside. My hands gripped tighter to the coffee cup. It's warmth seeped into the palms of my hand. I took a swig. Dutch courage.

            It was her smell that told me she had arrived at the table. The soft hint of cinnamon and lavender mixed together with a million other things that as men, we aren't supposed to know, but to appreciate and comment on. The memories also came back with that smell. A life that had been filled with laughter, with tears, with passionate kisses and equally passionate arguments. Her smiling face, green eyes and mousey brown hair were centre frame in all those memories. It had been our life. It had been a good life, until...

            The scraping of the chair along the hard floor brought me back to the present and Oscar and I ambled to our feet in a sense of chivalry. Her soft little laugh wafted across the table, as if trying to melt the wall I had spent years building around my heart.

            "You were always such a gentlemen"

            "No, but I always tried"

            "Yes, you did."

A waiter came over, his pen scratching along his note pad.

            "Evening ma'am, would you like a drink?"

            "Yes, white wine"

            "Which one would you like?"

            "Just the house Sav will be fine"

A slight tsk, and some more of the scratching sounds

            "Very good, and sir, another for you?"

A shook my head no, but jerked my thumb at Oscar "But he'll have some water." The waiter huffed for a moment and then just moved off.

            I don’t know how I knew, it’s this new trick I have learnt, but I knew those two were taking the measure of each other.

            "Don't worry, he doesn't bite."

            "How did you…" She trailed on in that surprised tone.

            "Because everyone does the same thing," I said to make her feel at ease. Oscar brushed against my leg as he got up and left me. Her chair scrapped again as it turned.

            "He doesn't talk much, but he knows all his manners."

Oscar let out his usual ‘hello’ grunt and I knew they were shaking hands. Once done, I also knew he would leave her and come sit back beside me.

            "And he is your..?"

            "Friend", I said cutting her off, "Boon, life companion. Its just us now."

The conversation, silence stretched out uncomfortably between us.

            "So have you been?" I volunteered

            "I have been good, the gallery is going well since the remodel and the we have been asked to put on a new show. What about yourself?"

            "Travelling mostly, the books are doing quiet well

“Oh yes, I read them, they were quite wonderful. Better even than I remember.

“I have more time on my hands now to get them right, it’s just writing and touring.

“Touring?

“Promoting my books. I’m told if I do the tour the gimmick of all this helps the sales."

            Her words came out quick and sharp "You are not a gimmick"

Her hand reached out and touched mine. Our first contact in three years and it was like the first time she had touched me all over again. Slow moving electricity flowed up my arm, hairs standing straight up marking her progress. Before it could reach my chest and I jerked my hand back.

            The silence descended on us again. Her finger’s began tapping away on the table in time with the music. An old nervous habit.

            It was her that cracked first this time, "How come you are here, instead of  your place in Newmarket?"

            "I sold it. I spent a year in that place recovering, learning how to live again. I don't want to go back." I couldn't keep the hostility out of my voice.

            "I'm sorry.” Her voice softened, “I tired to visit but I just couldn't..." her voice trailed off.

            "What? You couldn't be with someone like me?" gesturing to my face.

            The soft clink of glass on table brought me back to where I was. Oscar started drinking right away from his water. I quietened but the wall was gone. A quiet anger filled me. I knew this would happen. I should never of agreed to see here again.

            "You weren't the only one to be hurt in that accident you know. It affected all of us." her voice was soft, barely loud enough to be heard.

            "Oh yes, it hurt all of you but I am the only one that has to live permanently with its scars." My hands gripped the edge of the table.

            "I didn't come here for a pity party." She stood and there was more scraping of that damned chair.

            I let out the breath I had been holding. "Sit, please. I'm sorry. It's just being back here has rekindled a lot of the old memories and anger, and I am sorry."

            She sat; I didn't speak as I tried to order my thoughts again. I found my coffee cup and took another swig. The clink of glass let me know she had been doing the same as well.

            "I'm in therapy. I'm trying to deal with it, but it's hard. I know that accident hurt other people but I can't help feeling like I got most of the pain of it. It ruined my life. It ruined us."

            "The accident didn't ruin us, you did.” Her words crashed against me, and the defences shattered like glass. “You were so angry about what had happened, so angry about what you lost that you just angry with everyone. You were in so much pain, but you wouldn't allow anyone near you, to help you. You pushed us away. I didn't leave you because of the crash. I left, because of what you let it turn you into."

            I bowed my head into my hands and for the first time allowed the tears to flow.

            " I know it was my fault, the accident and then afterwards."

            She was by my side. She lifted my glasses and looked into my scared face. Her hands moved over tracing each line and wiping away the tears and this time I didn't recoil from her touch. Instead I reached out and touched her back. The soft smooth velvet skin took me back to nights spent in each other’s arms. I couldn't help but follow the usual curve of her face and down to that long slender neck. I couldn't stop the sensations all came back. Her arms held in tight, palms on either side of my face. My hands on her shoulders slipping down her back till our lips met and the whole world stopped. Her we were again. In our same, old, wonderful positions. I pulled her forward, tiled he head slightly and stopped when I felt the baby in her belly give a tiny kick.

            Slowly I eased back. The walls slowly slipping back into place.

            "Your pregnant"

            "Yeah" She herself pulled back, and I felt when she stopped touching me. We stood.           

            "Congratulations," I stopped talking for a moment, "but wine?"

            "A single glass isn't bad, and it's the first I've had since I found out about him seven months ago. I just needed the courage to see you again."

            A little laugh escaped me, "him? A boy? Whose the father?"

            "A good man, someone I care for deeply."

            A hint of regret entered my voice "You once said that I was the love of your life."

            I could hear the sadness in her voice. "You still are, but you aren't the one I get to spend my life with. Besides you now have Oscar." Oscar grunted as if to acknowledge that statement.

            She touched my shoulder and her lips brushed my cheek. "I have to go now, we should do this again sometime"

            "Absolutely" I said knowing I would never see her again.

            "Goodbye Steven." she said and I could hear the finality in her voice.

            "Goodbye."

She began walking off and for the first time I heard the distinct click of her high heels.

            "Grace," I called after her, the clicking stopped. "For what it worth, that year, losing you, is one of the biggest regrets of my life. I sorry. I am so sorry."

            I never looked back at her and no one told me what she did. All I heard was her walking again and then the sound of cars and she was out of my life. I reached back to the table and grabbed Oscars leash. I unfolded my cane and tapped my way out of the hotel bar and towards the elevators.