Let me prep this letter by
saying that I am sorry. I am not trying to mitigate my fault in all this. There
is a mountain of blame to be placed here and I am willing to share my own
burden of it. I accept everything I am owed and take full responsibility on my
part of it. But I never once believed that we wouldn’t work out. That we would
not be a part of each other’s lives. I have tried everything I can to fix us,
to make us work. I have asked over and over for us to have a conversation. I
know you needed space and I wanted to give it to you but I needed to understand
first. I just didn’t understand why you wouldn’t take the time to talk to me
and let me figure this all out. I am babbling now. So since the conversation I
needed was never given I guess this just a final chance to try.
For me it started when you
cheated on me with “the boy with the girls name”. Maybe cheated is too harsh a
word. Simply because every time the story got told the actions were downplayed
more and more. And it wasn’t even the time at the beach house, it was the time
at the apartment. At first you were uncomfortable, there was touching and
rubbing and drunken arms in places that shouldn’t of been. Over time the story
changed, as you became more and more friends with him, as that relationship
blossomed, the story and the actions became less so I didn’t know what really
happened anymore.
Your attitude towards him
changed. You went from being uncomfortable around him to being best friends. Even
to the point of you telling me that he was in love with you. You told me it was
a declaration of love. And that day he was admitted to the hospital, and then
over time even that was downplayed to a simple nod when you asked the question
and it all being a coincidence.
Maybe I am getting all
this wrong, but it was this change in your attitude that became the first cut
in my heart. Because when he texted, when he called, when he invited you out,
your face would light up. In a way that I hadn’t seen in months. In a way that
you used to look at me, but as the passion faded and the real relationship
began, it felt to me that you began to look else where. To feel that which we
once had again.
I could see that passion
in you. That budding love. I knew he could offer you more than me. He had the
place in town, the friends and contacts, the money, the freedom that the
problems my family had weren’t giving me and I watched you swoon over it all.
So my pain began, it grew.
The self-loathing and hatred grew in my heart because I felt like I was losing
you to him and I my head kept telling me that he was the better man for you.
So my heart was cut, each
time I saw your face light up. And I told you that, yet nothing changed. I told
you it hurt me and over time the pain grew. Each time it grew, my tongue
sharpened and became tipped with acid. And as you were one of the causes of it,
I lashed out at you. I was mean and evil. I was jealous and betrayed, and I
took it out on you.
At the time I didn’t
realize what I was doing. Looking back I can see exactly what I did. Hindsight
is very 20/20, but at the time all I could see is my pain. I was selfish and
spiteful. I cried every night because of it. I was that hurt. And I just
couldn’t control myself. I didn’t handle the pain I was suffering, whether it
was real or imaginary, very well.
I don’t deny that I did
it, I did all of it. I was just the most evil person every. And it all came to
ahead in April. At the time with both of us working and me at university we had
very little time together. But they were regular. Each week was the same time.
Yet because of the pain I was causing you, you started avoiding me. And I am
not saying that I didn’t deserve it. But the avoidance magnified the pain I had
been feeling ten fold and it all came to ahead a couple of days before my
birthday. The pain had me broken. That night and what I said was unimaginable.
I said and did things that night that I wish I could take back. My actions were
inexcusable. I know that after that night I shouldn’t be given another chance,
but I asked for one. And you said okay.
So I tried to fix us. I
was trying to put things right but you would never meet me halfway. I used any
tactic I could to try and bring you to the table, so to speak. Honesty,
begging, pleading, extortion, threatening, bribery. I pulled mean and nasty
tricks, anything I could think of because I wanted to scare you that we may end
and I thought you would fight for us. I never thought that you were
manipulating the situation to lead to a breakup.
I simply wanted us to
spend the time together. To go somewhere, where we could apologize and talk and
fix us. I know you needed time alone, that you needed space. I know you needed
to put some distance between us so you can figure how you wanted to move
forward. Or even if there was a forward. But the whole time you kept saying
that you “don’t know if you wanted us to be together.” That you
were “unsure”. That always gave me the impression that there was
hope that maybe one day we can be together again.
So I kept trying to talk
to you. I kept texting you and keeping in contact, trying to work things out
with you. I came into town and told you where I was and reaching out an olive
branch hoping that you would accept. But you kept rejecting me, you looked only
at the bad I did and never the good. You would hold a line I had said against
me and no matter what else I said you would throw it back in my face. You would
agree to meet and then not show up. Twice you left me sobbing in town pleading
for you to come in and be there for me and you showed that it was beneath you
to do so. Yet I never gave up, I never stopped hoping and trying.
And that is what I never
understood. You gave me hope that we may work, that is had a chance to work and
yet when I tried to put the effort into getting us to work, you just kept going
on about the pain you felt and it was to much to try right now. So I would try
the next day and the next because I didn’t understand. I didn’t get why this
all changed and what I needed to do to fix us. I told you what I needed but you
just shut me out.
But last night you told me
unequivocally that there was no chance of us being back together. Ever. You
told me that you have moved on and we are over. I never ever believed that we
would end until last night. I cried again all night. But I have to be done with
that now. The pain you cause, while I deserve, I have to find a way to live
with. I have to figure out how to move on from it. You have told me there is no
chance of us being better, of being together and now with this letter I know I
have destroyed any chance that we could or should ever reconcile.
So know to my questions I
will never know.
So
I will leave you two alone. If we are ever together at the same function I will
be friendly towards you and I offer you no ill will. A part of me still hopes
that one day we can be together but that is a candle flame I need to let die
out. I forgive you. For everything, and I offer a complete and sincere apology.
I wish this could have been done and said in person, in private. But I haven’t
been offered that curtsy so allow me now to say I am sorry. For everything I am
just so beyond and extremely sorry.
I
am sorry.
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