Journal: So when is enough, enough?

Dear Journal

I didn’t sleep long. From when I finally nodded off at about eight this morning I had the most frightful dream. In it I was at a summer camp that had lots of underground tunnels. Someone there became possessed and began hunting those of us that were there. It was like a game of cat and mouse that seemed to go on forever. To me it felt like ages in that dream, but I awoke 90 minutes later.

I was unsettled by it so much that I didn’t want to sleep again. I got up made a coffee and checked my emails and Facebook. It was there that I saw someone had posted a review of Storm Front by Jim Butcher. It was there intent to re-read all the book before the new novel is released on the 27^th Nov. This used to be my favourite urban fantasy series and for the heck of it I went on Jim’s website just to see if there was anything new about the novel. The first chapter had been released and so I read it.

It started slow and dull. No way near as gripping a beginning as ‘changes’ but over the course of the chapter it picked up and I could see and feel Harry’s new story. So inspired I began writing my second novel ‘Fallen’. The first novel ‘Dreams’ is on hold for the moment as it is more of a prequel than a first novel. I spent most of the day lost in writing and while it was all very terrible at least it is a beginning.

Dad had told me last night that he might need me to go and pick up a prescription for him today. I assumed if it were something that needed doing he would call before four. But it wasn’t till quarter past that he finally rung. So I went and got his drugs and ended up, as I do when I have nothing to think about that state of my ex and me.

Today I feel anger about it all. He cheated on me and that hurt me. Yet he never did anything to fix it other than just to say “Are you over it yet?”. So callous and mean. To watch him flirt and show more affection to someone else and continuously hurt me like that. And yes, because he was causing me pain, it eventually became all too much and I lashed out at him. We hurt would hurt each other when all I needed was for him to show me the same kind of love and understanding he was showing elsewhere.

Okay, maybe I don’t have direct proof that he was cheating but I know how he was acting towards others.

I returned home for the chemist, and I just couldn’t stay there anymore. I showered dressed and left for town. Again I thought about inviting the Ex but given the track record I know that he would say no, and why would today be different from the last 5 months. It just all kept playing over and over in my head until I came finally to the conclusion I keep trying to look past. We are never going to be together again.

I know the fight in June hurt him and the things I said and did were wrong and way out of line. And it is that hurt that he is clinging to. The hurt he did to me for months before hand. If he wanted to fix he would of. But for ten months he cut away at me. The worst being over April and May. He broke me and hurt me and he knew what was needed to fix. But after June I have tried to repair and fix what I said and did. I tried for month and yet he never did.

If there was any hope for us then he would of tried too. For five months he has been hiding behind this façade that he is hurt and needs space. But it was a fight. When done it should have been both of us trying to repair the damage. Yet it was still just me. There was no effort from him put into getting us back on track. Maybe that should have been my first indication that we were over.

And yet he still tortured me. Every effort I made me ignored. Nothing worked and I tired everything. I should have seen then that it was over but I believed that we were meant for each other so I kept trying. I tried for him and kept putting my needs and the things I needed to repair the heart he broke aside so I could appease him. And yet for every sacrifice I made for him, I received nothing in return. Every overture of friendship was rejected. Every time I told him what I needed to ease so of the damage that was done to me, he took an metaphoric axe to and made the damage worse.

So I honestly tried to think about what it would be like if we ever did come together again. Could I ever truly trust him when he has demonstrated just how little he cares of this relationship and us? Could I ever truly rely on him for support when he cannot see beyond his own pain to the pain he has caused in other? If he finds it so easy to throw this relationship away would we ever truly work if we ever had real issues?

But would I ever be comfortable with him again knowing that he can never put another persons needs in front of his own. That it is so easy for him to give up?

I thought about this the entire way into town. But then I had to look at my own actions. I did wrong. I hurt him right back. I treated him so badly that I can understand why he wants to stay away. We tore into each other and maybe we don’t work. Maybe it isn’t our place to be together. So maybe I should just stop trying. Maybe I should just stop trying to do what is right for him and do what will repair this heart that he is determined to keep breaking.

I love him. I am not letting go of the love. I will not put up a white flag and surrender to it. But I have to realise that he will never be there for me. He will never be there for us. So I have to stop doing that which is right by him and, and do what is right by me. Because we cant fix this together. I have to accept that from now on there is no us. He has had five months to try and as he hasn’t by now then I need to accept that. I need to fix me on my own and do that which is right by me.

A lot to think about on an hour drive. I made it into town and tried going to Whitcoulls. I needed a new pencil case but they had closed early. I went to Esquires instead. I spent most of the time there reading some of ‘Soulless’ by Gail Carriger and drinking Butterscotch Lattes, with brief bouts of writing in between. While I am not truly happy with the way ‘Fallen’ is coming along I will be using it for the project paper over summer school so hopefully James can make it much better.

The Bunny story is having issues taking shape. I know how I want it to end I just don’t know the beginning or middle. Maybe I should just write the end?

I am very disappointed that ‘Griffin’s Story’ got so little feedback. I will not allow myself to be discouraged by it. The only time I feel good these days is when I am writing. It’s my one true pleasure left. So I am going to keep it up. And every time I do I will post a link to it on Facebook or Wordpress. These wont get links. If someone wants to read them then they just need to keep an eye on my blog. J

I am home now. Getting read once again for bed.

Okay Goodnight.