The Beginning Of The End.

         The third definition of the word ‘Closure’ as described by The Free Dictionary is:

3.

a. A bringing to an end; a conclusion: finally brought the project to closure.

b. A feeling of finality or resolution, especially after a traumatic experience.

Wikipedia, a source we can all trust, first sentence when describing ‘Closure’ in reference to psychology as:

“Closure or need for closure are psychological terms that describe the desire or need individuals have for information that will allow them to conclude an issue that had previously been clouded in ambiguity and uncertainty. Upon reaching this conclusion, they are now able to attain a state of epistemic "closure".

So why am I looking at the definition closure, well that’s simple, but to explain I need to go back to last night.

The origin of quite a few of my issues I have is due to isolation. I feel stuck in the middle of this beautiful country most of us call home, without much contact with the majority of society and the outside world. It was a state of being the slowly drove me senseless. I became in effect slightly mad.

In the four months I have been going to therapy, there I said it and I am not ashamed, a simple part of my recovery has been to reconnect with my friends and those I call family. To find new ways that I can interact with the outside world, even while living in the quiet of nowhere.

So I have been writing. Posting the writings on blogs and looking forward to the comments people leave. I have also been trying to be more active on social media. For me this meant Facebook. Regular posts and updates, photos and links on an almost daily basis. It also meant messaging with my friends, old and new. A novel and new way to stay connected. At least it was for me.

And yet I never got into twitter. I had seen that friends had twitter accounts and read many an article about tweets that had been tweeted and affected the entire world. Mostly because they were getting people enraged. But it is a new social and effective form of social interaction that I simply hadn’t participated in.

So last night I signed up. I joined. I know I am coming late to the party here but I am trying to contribute. It should have been yay for me. It that was how I was feeling. I went through the process and ended up linking my Facebook account and Contact list to my twitter account. It auto followed any and all accounts it found that had also been attached to any of those details. And then I spent the rest of the night adding Celebs I liked. I was having fun with it. I even connected it to my phone and can now tweet from anywhere.

            Except what I didn’t realize is that it had linked Beau’s twitter account. Maybe I should have seen that coming but the truth was, it simply just never occurred to me. Not until I got home from University, logged on to my computer and was updated that he had blocked me.

            Oh, okay then.

            Now here is where it gets interesting. Initially I was hurt. Having been systematically and constantly rejected I should be used to it by now. The simple fact that at the end of the day, even something as inconsequential as this, was something that he felt needed the need to block. It seemed so small and petty. But then I thought on it. Here he was trying to begin a new life. In his own way trying to do the same thing as I am and be a new person. So why would he want anything that he considered damaging from his old life interfering with his new. By cutting out everything that was us, he could maintain closure and live his new life. I can respect that. I think.

            But where does that leave me? Where is my closure? If you have been reading anything else I have posted here, then you know from my limited knowledge, just how confused I have been about everything. I cant understand how you tell a person you love them, the whole while giving that love to someone else? Can you move past the pain of your history and find a simple and suitable way to coexist with each other? Despite everything that had happened in the past I had always assumed that at some point we could at least site down together and if not put things right, at least find a form of closure that would work for me.

            Yet, blocking my on twitter was a serious wakeup call for me. That conversation, that final conversation, the one I thought I desperately needed would never come. It wasn’t in him to offer even that little bit of solace.

            So all my questions would go unanswered. I will never be able to achieve the closure I need, in the way I needed. My feeling of trying to stumble through my own ‘Swamp of Sadness’ was only going to continue unless I could find another way to achieve closure.

            So how fortunate was it that I had an appointment to see my counselor today.

            Over that last few months we have been working through the issues I have had in how things were ended. At first my shock at seeing the proof of what I had felt but never know until I saw what I felt was proof of their betrayal and the disbelief I had in it all.

I struggled with my anger. Anger directed at them, but mostly anger directed at myself. The NLP program taught me how to release those feeling and even offer and ask for forgiveness for any and all actions. It might not of been to his face, but It was what I needed at the time.

This also helped with the weight of depression I had. The slow spiral down and the feeling of just letting go again. Abandoning all the progress I had done, because of feeling that I had deserved to be treated that way. I learnt how to forgive myself, and being able to objectively look at the relationship. Of seeing how incompatible we were as a couple and accepting that as a reality. To be able to not close myself off to the possibility of future love.

I don’t know if you are beginning to recognize the pattern, but I was closely following the stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.

So I was up to acceptance.

Yet I felt without knowing why he choose those actions over others, why he played those cruel games, that I couldn’t begin to find a way to move on. I was stuck, but had to keep my head up and pushing through my swap.

So today, after he blocked twitter, it was made so clear that I would never be given that courtesy. I would never get my conversation. Never would we find a middle ground. A simple acquaintance wasn’t something he was able to offer. The wounds I had received I would have to find a way to heal myself.

My desire of how in a perfect world, we could exist together. It was a hope that would never become a reality.

So when I sat down across from the councilor today, I turned and asked for any exercises that will begin the process of acceptance. Of finding a way to letting go without the benefit of understanding. And we spent an hour doing just that. Taking those first steps of cutting the emotional ties. Unpacking the baggage I was carrying. Simply letting go of that need to understand the why of everything and just to accept it as is. Which isn’t something I easily can do. Normally I need to understand everything, have every questioned answered before I am able to move on.

It’s wasn’t a cure. But I have taken that first step on what I hope is the final leg of this journey. The final one to finally obtain closure.

And I feel good about that.

Or maybe it’s the painkillers I am on for my shoulder.