Journal: Gay Red Mug

Dear Journal

I had that dream again last night. The one where I am looking down on myself, but all I can see is the back of my head and the dark grey clothes I am wearing. It’s night and I am walking down a busy city street. Life and color surround me. Yet while I am clear and in focus, the other people are slightly blurry. I carry on walking down the street trying to get someone to notice me but when I talk no sound comes out. The city moves and keeps in time with me as I walk but the people, the cars get faster and faster till they are just streaks of light. The noise from all the people starts to deafen me there talk increases till it just a loud roar and I collapse under the weight of it all and disappear.

It’s usually at this point when I wake up. But last night as I was just about to fall when the ‘Ex’ came and took my hand. He held it and gave me strength. He stood in front of me and looked into my face and the world slowed down again. We stood like that till everything returned to normal and still neither of us moved. Everything started fading out, people disappeared, cars disappeared, until we were just in an empty city, but then that too disappeared. All that was left was him and me. Like we had our own world and we could survive in it. Make of that what you will. All I know is that I woke up hugging my pillow. :P

By the time I got up ‘He’ had come back from grocery shopping. I unpacked and put away. We have a draw in the freezer full of frozen vegies and yet ‘He’ brought more. And clear apple juice. I hate the clear stuff. To me it doesn’t taste the way apple juice should.

I spoke to ‘He’ about going out tonight and he was okay with it. After that dream I texted the ‘Ex’ to let him know that I was headed into town too. I thought maybe I might get a response. Silence is a kind of response…right?

I started working on a quick write and I got an idea. In my head I keep having two characters have a conversation. Usually about something that is happening in the world. Like current events or something that is personal to me. Yet I have been finding it harder and harder to create unique characters for these stories as they all usually end up having the same tone of voice. So while I was working today I thought why bother creating new characters each time when I can just use the same characters. Have them have the conversations and create unique developments to each of them.

I spent the rest of the time at home trying to design to unique and opposite characters. It’s a lot harder than it sounds.

Eventually I showered and headed into town. I started connecting my shuffle to some speakers and having a three song shower. I have found if I do that the showers are quicker but feel just as long as a normal shower I have. ‘It’ came over tonight. I have asked ‘It’ repeatedly not to be there when ‘He’ isn’t home but ‘It’ seem to go out of it’s way to do the opposite. So I didn’t have as long out tonight as I hoped.

I got to Whitcoulls and again it was closed. I really need that pencil case. I must get it tomorrow. Went to Esquires on Lorne again. I like that place usually. Checked Trademe for a while. There is a potentially nice apartment of rent at $260 a week in town. Just on Nelson St. Every once in a while you find some really good stuff. I just wish I were able to take it.

Still it is a nice night, despite the random acts of drizzle. I texted ‘Ex’ again and asked if he wanted coffee. I thought maybe I might get a response if I were to ask properly. Silence is still a kind of response…right?

I worked on the ‘Fallen’ novel a little and wrote some for the ‘Journal’. I find its good to get it down when I can remember it. My memory is getting wore and worse these day. I keep trying to start the ‘Bunny’ story and yet it is so hard to get going on it. The end is just so vivid in my head and while I have written the end several time I just don’t know how to get there, so to speak.

After Esquire’s I went to Starbucks. They have launched their Christmas products. One being a red coffee mug that is 14oz of caffeine goodness. What is weird is that the tall size is 12oz and the grande size is 16oz. So this falls in between and yet they charge you for the grande size.

Got my usual from them and carried on reading some more of ‘Soulless’. Actually turning into quite a fun little book. But I still kinda wish I had an iPad or something to read it on.

Anyway I am home now. I have outlined three stories and concepts for several more. I am also liking the names Caleb and Quinn to use as the continuing characters. Oh and I still haven’t heard from ‘Ex’.

And yet I have to ask why I keep trying with ‘Ex’. Yeah I know that I believe he is the love of my life and he is the first person I could ever picture myself with, as in marriage and in a forever kind of way. But it is clear that he isn’t going to try. I just can’t seem to move on. If I believed in soul mates he would be mine. He is the love of my life, and yet it’s not going to work out. How do I move on from that?

Guess only time will give me that answer.

For now I say goodnight to the Kingdom, until tomorrow. J

Journal: Obama WON!!!

Dear Journal

I slept till 11 today. I don’t remember any of my dreams this time. But I didn’t wake feeling rested. Is that weird? To sleep for hour after hour and to wake feeling as tired as when you went to sleep?

I am assuming like most people today, I got sucked into the elections in the US. I kept switching between the new channels on SkyTV and updates that we online. I laughed the whole time about how information was always in conflict between the channels. Heck, even between what was reported online and what they posted on the web pages were also sometimes in conflict.

I think it was Fox News’s coverage that most had me laughing. Even after the 270 mark was reached and the Obama was re-elected, some of the people on their show were still trying to play it up as too early to call and that it might be 2000 all over again and Romney my have a final surge. Despite the facts some of them kept trying to say it was close. To me it felt like watching a Republican version of The Daily Show.

I had plans to head out tonight and check out what was happening in town. But ‘It’ decided to not come home tonight, so I had to stay here and look after his interests. I had really wanted to check out the festivities and do some writing. But trapped here I am again, and will be for the next several evening as I will need to look after the other.

I know it is selfish and this place gives me cheep accommodation and food and other amenities but I just want to be able to begin my life. I love my family and will fulfil my obligations to them but I do feel trapped here. I feel stagnant and in desperate need to start living. This family has cost me my friends, my family, the love of my life.

Still, anything I do to try and help myself, damages them. Could I live with that? For the moment the answer to that is No but how much more can I put up with.

With ‘it’ here, I have two nights of writing ahead. I hope to have some new short story posted by Friday so keep an eye out.

I had drafted one today about an American in the UK celebrating the election results. The story turned into a rant about how bad America was and how inconsequential it really is. I really was quite displeased with how the outline turned out so I have it shelved for the moment.

So nothing much truly happened. Boring day really.

Hopefully tomorrow is fuller.

So I am saying goodnight to the Kingdom. 

Journal: So when is enough, enough?

Dear Journal

I didn’t sleep long. From when I finally nodded off at about eight this morning I had the most frightful dream. In it I was at a summer camp that had lots of underground tunnels. Someone there became possessed and began hunting those of us that were there. It was like a game of cat and mouse that seemed to go on forever. To me it felt like ages in that dream, but I awoke 90 minutes later.

I was unsettled by it so much that I didn’t want to sleep again. I got up made a coffee and checked my emails and Facebook. It was there that I saw someone had posted a review of Storm Front by Jim Butcher. It was there intent to re-read all the book before the new novel is released on the 27^th Nov. This used to be my favourite urban fantasy series and for the heck of it I went on Jim’s website just to see if there was anything new about the novel. The first chapter had been released and so I read it.

It started slow and dull. No way near as gripping a beginning as ‘changes’ but over the course of the chapter it picked up and I could see and feel Harry’s new story. So inspired I began writing my second novel ‘Fallen’. The first novel ‘Dreams’ is on hold for the moment as it is more of a prequel than a first novel. I spent most of the day lost in writing and while it was all very terrible at least it is a beginning.

Dad had told me last night that he might need me to go and pick up a prescription for him today. I assumed if it were something that needed doing he would call before four. But it wasn’t till quarter past that he finally rung. So I went and got his drugs and ended up, as I do when I have nothing to think about that state of my ex and me.

Today I feel anger about it all. He cheated on me and that hurt me. Yet he never did anything to fix it other than just to say “Are you over it yet?”. So callous and mean. To watch him flirt and show more affection to someone else and continuously hurt me like that. And yes, because he was causing me pain, it eventually became all too much and I lashed out at him. We hurt would hurt each other when all I needed was for him to show me the same kind of love and understanding he was showing elsewhere.

Okay, maybe I don’t have direct proof that he was cheating but I know how he was acting towards others.

I returned home for the chemist, and I just couldn’t stay there anymore. I showered dressed and left for town. Again I thought about inviting the Ex but given the track record I know that he would say no, and why would today be different from the last 5 months. It just all kept playing over and over in my head until I came finally to the conclusion I keep trying to look past. We are never going to be together again.

I know the fight in June hurt him and the things I said and did were wrong and way out of line. And it is that hurt that he is clinging to. The hurt he did to me for months before hand. If he wanted to fix he would of. But for ten months he cut away at me. The worst being over April and May. He broke me and hurt me and he knew what was needed to fix. But after June I have tried to repair and fix what I said and did. I tried for month and yet he never did.

If there was any hope for us then he would of tried too. For five months he has been hiding behind this façade that he is hurt and needs space. But it was a fight. When done it should have been both of us trying to repair the damage. Yet it was still just me. There was no effort from him put into getting us back on track. Maybe that should have been my first indication that we were over.

And yet he still tortured me. Every effort I made me ignored. Nothing worked and I tired everything. I should have seen then that it was over but I believed that we were meant for each other so I kept trying. I tried for him and kept putting my needs and the things I needed to repair the heart he broke aside so I could appease him. And yet for every sacrifice I made for him, I received nothing in return. Every overture of friendship was rejected. Every time I told him what I needed to ease so of the damage that was done to me, he took an metaphoric axe to and made the damage worse.

So I honestly tried to think about what it would be like if we ever did come together again. Could I ever truly trust him when he has demonstrated just how little he cares of this relationship and us? Could I ever truly rely on him for support when he cannot see beyond his own pain to the pain he has caused in other? If he finds it so easy to throw this relationship away would we ever truly work if we ever had real issues?

But would I ever be comfortable with him again knowing that he can never put another persons needs in front of his own. That it is so easy for him to give up?

I thought about this the entire way into town. But then I had to look at my own actions. I did wrong. I hurt him right back. I treated him so badly that I can understand why he wants to stay away. We tore into each other and maybe we don’t work. Maybe it isn’t our place to be together. So maybe I should just stop trying. Maybe I should just stop trying to do what is right for him and do what will repair this heart that he is determined to keep breaking.

I love him. I am not letting go of the love. I will not put up a white flag and surrender to it. But I have to realise that he will never be there for me. He will never be there for us. So I have to stop doing that which is right by him and, and do what is right by me. Because we cant fix this together. I have to accept that from now on there is no us. He has had five months to try and as he hasn’t by now then I need to accept that. I need to fix me on my own and do that which is right by me.

A lot to think about on an hour drive. I made it into town and tried going to Whitcoulls. I needed a new pencil case but they had closed early. I went to Esquires instead. I spent most of the time there reading some of ‘Soulless’ by Gail Carriger and drinking Butterscotch Lattes, with brief bouts of writing in between. While I am not truly happy with the way ‘Fallen’ is coming along I will be using it for the project paper over summer school so hopefully James can make it much better.

The Bunny story is having issues taking shape. I know how I want it to end I just don’t know the beginning or middle. Maybe I should just write the end?

I am very disappointed that ‘Griffin’s Story’ got so little feedback. I will not allow myself to be discouraged by it. The only time I feel good these days is when I am writing. It’s my one true pleasure left. So I am going to keep it up. And every time I do I will post a link to it on Facebook or Wordpress. These wont get links. If someone wants to read them then they just need to keep an eye on my blog. J

I am home now. Getting read once again for bed.

Okay Goodnight. 

An Open Letter to a Lost Lover.

         Let me prep this letter by saying that I am sorry. I am not trying to mitigate my fault in all this. There is a mountain of blame to be placed here and I am willing to share my own burden of it. I accept everything I am owed and take full responsibility on my part of it. But I never once believed that we wouldn’t work out. That we would not be a part of each other’s lives. I have tried everything I can to fix us, to make us work. I have asked over and over for us to have a conversation. I know you needed space and I wanted to give it to you but I needed to understand first. I just didn’t understand why you wouldn’t take the time to talk to me and let me figure this all out. I am babbling now. So since the conversation I needed was never given I guess this just a final chance to try.

         For me it started when you cheated on me with “the boy with the girls name”. Maybe cheated is too harsh a word. Simply because every time the story got told the actions were downplayed more and more. And it wasn’t even the time at the beach house, it was the time at the apartment. At first you were uncomfortable, there was touching and rubbing and drunken arms in places that shouldn’t of been. Over time the story changed, as you became more and more friends with him, as that relationship blossomed, the story and the actions became less so I didn’t know what really happened anymore.

         Your attitude towards him changed. You went from being uncomfortable around him to being best friends. Even to the point of you telling me that he was in love with you. You told me it was a declaration of love. And that day he was admitted to the hospital, and then over time even that was downplayed to a simple nod when you asked the question and it all being a coincidence.

         Maybe I am getting all this wrong, but it was this change in your attitude that became the first cut in my heart. Because when he texted, when he called, when he invited you out, your face would light up. In a way that I hadn’t seen in months. In a way that you used to look at me, but as the passion faded and the real relationship began, it felt to me that you began to look else where. To feel that which we once had again.

         I could see that passion in you. That budding love. I knew he could offer you more than me. He had the place in town, the friends and contacts, the money, the freedom that the problems my family had weren’t giving me and I watched you swoon over it all.

         So my pain began, it grew. The self-loathing and hatred grew in my heart because I felt like I was losing you to him and I my head kept telling me that he was the better man for you.

         So my heart was cut, each time I saw your face light up. And I told you that, yet nothing changed. I told you it hurt me and over time the pain grew. Each time it grew, my tongue sharpened and became tipped with acid. And as you were one of the causes of it, I lashed out at you. I was mean and evil. I was jealous and betrayed, and I took it out on you.

         At the time I didn’t realize what I was doing. Looking back I can see exactly what I did. Hindsight is very 20/20, but at the time all I could see is my pain. I was selfish and spiteful. I cried every night because of it. I was that hurt. And I just couldn’t control myself. I didn’t handle the pain I was suffering, whether it was real or imaginary, very well.

         I don’t deny that I did it, I did all of it. I was just the most evil person every. And it all came to ahead in April. At the time with both of us working and me at university we had very little time together. But they were regular. Each week was the same time. Yet because of the pain I was causing you, you started avoiding me. And I am not saying that I didn’t deserve it. But the avoidance magnified the pain I had been feeling ten fold and it all came to ahead a couple of days before my birthday. The pain had me broken. That night and what I said was unimaginable. I said and did things that night that I wish I could take back. My actions were inexcusable. I know that after that night I shouldn’t be given another chance, but I asked for one. And you said okay.

         So I tried to fix us. I was trying to put things right but you would never meet me halfway. I used any tactic I could to try and bring you to the table, so to speak. Honesty, begging, pleading, extortion, threatening, bribery. I pulled mean and nasty tricks, anything I could think of because I wanted to scare you that we may end and I thought you would fight for us. I never thought that you were manipulating the situation to lead to a breakup.

         I simply wanted us to spend the time together. To go somewhere, where we could apologize and talk and fix us. I know you needed time alone, that you needed space. I know you needed to put some distance between us so you can figure how you wanted to move forward. Or even if there was a forward. But the whole time you kept saying that you “don’t know if you wanted us to be together.” That you were “unsure”. That always gave me the impression that there was hope that maybe one day we can be together again.

         So I kept trying to talk to you. I kept texting you and keeping in contact, trying to work things out with you. I came into town and told you where I was and reaching out an olive branch hoping that you would accept. But you kept rejecting me, you looked only at the bad I did and never the good. You would hold a line I had said against me and no matter what else I said you would throw it back in my face. You would agree to meet and then not show up. Twice you left me sobbing in town pleading for you to come in and be there for me and you showed that it was beneath you to do so. Yet I never gave up, I never stopped hoping and trying.

         And that is what I never understood. You gave me hope that we may work, that is had a chance to work and yet when I tried to put the effort into getting us to work, you just kept going on about the pain you felt and it was to much to try right now. So I would try the next day and the next because I didn’t understand. I didn’t get why this all changed and what I needed to do to fix us. I told you what I needed but you just shut me out.

         But last night you told me unequivocally that there was no chance of us being back together. Ever. You told me that you have moved on and we are over. I never ever believed that we would end until last night. I cried again all night. But I have to be done with that now. The pain you cause, while I deserve, I have to find a way to live with. I have to figure out how to move on from it. You have told me there is no chance of us being better, of being together and now with this letter I know I have destroyed any chance that we could or should ever reconcile.

         So know to my questions I will never know.

            So I will leave you two alone. If we are ever together at the same function I will be friendly towards you and I offer you no ill will. A part of me still hopes that one day we can be together but that is a candle flame I need to let die out. I forgive you. For everything, and I offer a complete and sincere apology. I wish this could have been done and said in person, in private. But I haven’t been offered that curtsy so allow me now to say I am sorry. For everything I am just so beyond and extremely sorry.

            I am sorry.