Dear Journal
I had that dream again
last night. The one where I am looking down on myself, but all I can see is the
back of my head and the dark grey clothes I am wearing. It’s night and I am
walking down a busy city street. Life and color surround me. Yet while I am
clear and in focus, the other people are slightly blurry. I carry on walking
down the street trying to get someone to notice me but when I talk no sound
comes out. The city moves and keeps in time with me as I walk but the people,
the cars get faster and faster till they are just streaks of light. The noise
from all the people starts to deafen me there talk increases till it just a
loud roar and I collapse under the weight of it all and disappear.
It’s usually at this
point when I wake up. But last night as I was just about to fall when the ‘Ex’
came and took my hand. He held it and gave me strength. He stood in front of me
and looked into my face and the world slowed down again. We stood like that
till everything returned to normal and still neither of us moved. Everything
started fading out, people disappeared, cars disappeared, until we were just in
an empty city, but then that too disappeared. All that was left was him and me.
Like we had our own world and we could survive in it. Make of that what you
will. All I know is that I woke up hugging my pillow. :P
By the time I got up
‘He’ had come back from grocery shopping. I unpacked and put away. We have a
draw in the freezer full of frozen vegies and yet ‘He’ brought more. And clear
apple juice. I hate the clear stuff. To me it doesn’t taste the way apple juice
should.
I spoke to ‘He’ about
going out tonight and he was okay with it. After that dream I texted the ‘Ex’
to let him know that I was headed into town too. I thought maybe I might get a
response. Silence is a kind of response…right?
I started working on a
quick write and I got an idea. In my head I keep having two characters have a
conversation. Usually about something that is happening in the world. Like
current events or something that is personal to me. Yet I have been finding it
harder and harder to create unique characters for these stories as they all
usually end up having the same tone of voice. So while I was working today I
thought why bother creating new characters each time when I can just use the
same characters. Have them have the conversations and create unique
developments to each of them.
I spent the rest of the
time at home trying to design to unique and opposite characters. It’s a lot
harder than it sounds.
Eventually I showered
and headed into town. I started connecting my shuffle to some speakers and
having a three song shower. I have found if I do that the showers are quicker
but feel just as long as a normal shower I have. ‘It’ came over tonight. I have
asked ‘It’ repeatedly not to be there when ‘He’ isn’t home but ‘It’ seem to go
out of it’s way to do the opposite. So I didn’t have as long out tonight as I
hoped.
I got to Whitcoulls and
again it was closed. I really need that pencil case. I must get it tomorrow.
Went to Esquires on Lorne again. I like that place usually. Checked Trademe for
a while. There is a potentially nice apartment of rent at $260 a week in town.
Just on Nelson St. Every once in a while you find some really good stuff. I just
wish I were able to take it.
Still it is a nice
night, despite the random acts of drizzle. I texted ‘Ex’ again and asked if he
wanted coffee. I thought maybe I might get a response if I were to ask
properly. Silence is still a kind of response…right?
I worked on the
‘Fallen’ novel a little and wrote some for the ‘Journal’. I find its good to
get it down when I can remember it. My memory is getting wore and worse these
day. I keep trying to start the ‘Bunny’ story and yet it is so hard to get
going on it. The end is just so vivid in my head and while I have written the
end several time I just don’t know how to get there, so to speak.
After Esquire’s I went
to Starbucks. They have launched their Christmas products. One being a red
coffee mug that is 14oz of caffeine goodness. What is weird is that the tall
size is 12oz and the grande size is 16oz. So this falls in between and yet they
charge you for the grande size.
Got my usual from them
and carried on reading some more of ‘Soulless’. Actually turning into quite a fun
little book. But I still kinda wish I had an iPad or something to read it on.
Anyway I am home now. I
have outlined three stories and concepts for several more. I am also liking the
names Caleb and Quinn to use as the continuing characters. Oh and I still haven’t
heard from ‘Ex’.
And yet I have to ask
why I keep trying with ‘Ex’. Yeah I know that I believe he is the love of my
life and he is the first person I could ever picture myself with, as in
marriage and in a forever kind of way. But it is clear that he isn’t going to
try. I just can’t seem to move on. If I believed in soul mates he would be
mine. He is the love of my life, and yet it’s not going to work out. How do I
move on from that?
Guess only time will
give me that answer.
For now I say goodnight
to the Kingdom, until tomorrow. J
No comments:
Post a Comment