Where were my presents bitch?

Dear Journal

After finally getting to sleep at about eight this morning I had to be up at nine thirty. I had to get ready to take ‘He’ to his doctors appointment. The nap had done me well and at the time I was feeling quite refreshed.  I showered and for the first time in three days got out of sweats and into some real jeans.

With everything sorted we headed into town. I drove and strangely within thirty minutes I was feeling exhausted. I had wanted to go to the café near where the appointment was and type but as it was ‘It’s’ Birthday tomorrow I had to do the final shopping.

Getting to Sylvia park was quite easy. Finding a parking was the hardest part. Not because there were little spaces. Actually there were quite a few spaces. It was simply that everyone there seemed to be trying to create an accident with there car. I mean just completely crazy in there driving.

Still I managed to get all the shopping done in an hour, which was good. I thought I had two but apparently the appointment went quicker than thought and ‘He’ was out after only an hour. With a final rush I was back in the car and at the doctors again. ‘He’ was feeling quite good and we went back to the mall.

At our home we have a nice flat screen TV. However the speaker quality is quite poor. We spent the time going around the mall looking for some cheap, but decent speakers. While we found some, ‘He’ doesn’t want any that come with a bass and as ‘He’ is quite picky about that it meant that we didn’t find anything decent.

I however was looking at iPads. Dick Smith is offering a great deal at 18 months interest free. Yet if I could take it I would have to decide between a forth generation or a mini. While I like the size of the mini I think I would get more use out of the regular size one. I haven’t decided if I will get one yet but I like the deal.

On the way home the government called me. Apparently I have an outstanding fine. Seems while I was over in Sydney my old car became deregistered and it was ticketed and know I owe them quite a lot of money. I have asked them to send out all the paperwork so I can see what has been going on with it.

When I got home I fell asleep again. I woke, again, ninety minutes later. I realised ‘It’ was home and quickly wrapped the presents. Dinner was Indian and it was quite good tonight. I do recommend that if you are in Pukekohe and wanting good food to go to Gingers on the main road. Once home we did gifts. ‘It’ got a clock that is also a photo frame, lollies galore and a modern interpretation on a candy dispenser. I really hope ‘It’ likes it. ‘It’ also got the usual lotto tickets and cards and I think ‘It’ was pleasantly surprised.

I finally got ‘He’ to watch the first episode of Aaron Sorkin’s The Newsroom. It turns out he quite enjoyed it which I am really happy about. Its one of my favourite shows, being so well acted and written, and I hoped it would be something that he liked.

And that was my day. I will admit that the whole time I desperately wanted to text the ‘Ex’ and have him come out and be with us. I still haven’t gotten used to the fact that we are no longer together. I know I will never understand or get closure on this but maybe over time It will get easier till I forget. I know I have to take this one day at a time and to not look for “permanent solutions to temporary problems” but sometimes it seems like the easiest solution.

Still as long as I have this and my writing I feel like I can find a way to hang on.

Speaking of writing, I got my first correspondence from AUT about summer school. I have James again. I am so happy about that and I look forward to working with him again.

Anyway. I am barely able to keep my eyes open here. This Kingdom didn’t look as bleak today as it did yesterday. I know I have to find the beauty and today I did. Hopefully tomorrow I can do that as well.

In the next two days I will have a new story up here. I hope to have two but I am only going to link one to Facebook.

Goodnight for now. 

Journal: As you walk away, you know you can run, run back to my arms.

Dear Journal

I overslept again today. I had tried downloading the movie Prometheus but my iTunes messed it up. I had to download it again.

When I got up I started writing. I did a first draft of the companion story. I don’t know why I am calling it that, but for the moment it seems to fit. The story started coming along nicely.

I texted the ‘Ex’ again. I had to ask one final time if there was any hope for us. I shouldn’t be surprised by it but I got a resounding no. I even asked again if we could have a sit down but he wouldn’t hear of it.

For dinner tonight I made butter chicken. I browned the chicken in soy sauce and to thicken the sauce I added some cheese. It turned out quite nicely. We had vegies and wedges. A typical family dinner for us.

‘He’ and I discussed tomorrow’s plans. He has an appointment at the doctors and I have to do the final shopping for ‘It’s’ birthday.

‘Ex’ got back to me later this evening. The talk there was longer. In a way it was good. I will never get closure from him. I will never have an understanding. But that was the closest I will ever come to having. The truth is, it didn’t do anything but destroy the last remains of my heart. It made the decision clear.

I don’t have to worry anymore.

Still, for now I have my writing. Hopefully I can maintain on that. For the moment it’s the reason I can get up and try.

At least one more day, I have in this Kingdom. One day. Please dear god, give me strength. 

Journal: All I did was sleep today.

Dear Journal

Last night I just lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling. Eventually around six this morning I fell asleep. For 12 hours I was comatose. Upon waking I didn’t do much. Dad cooked fish for dinner. We watched some TV and I tried writing. It failed.

I just don’t seem to care today.

Maybe tomorrow this Kingdom will be better.

Journal: I would beg for a freight train

Dear Journal

On my 19^th birthday I was working at the airport. For my job I was packing cargo holds and cleaning seats and toilets of the aircrafts. I had been up since 4 am and finished the day at 3pm. I got home and showered, put on my best clothes and went out to the movies. That night was the premier of the first Spiderman movie. Afterwards I got my favourite pizza, some beer and went home. I vegie’d in front the TV, watched my several episodes of Buffy, ate the pizza, drank the beer and downed 70 Panadol.

The year before I had been dealing with a family loss and basically flunked out of High School. I was despondent and down. At the time I couldn’t see any point in moving forward. So I decided not to. However the pills didn’t take and I woke in the morning with a massive headache and at the time my worst stomach cramps.

When I was 27 I had finished my Sunday shift at work. There was nothing special about the day. It in itself was fine. But I wasn’t. That night I finished at nine, got home and drunk a bottle of Jack Daniels. I also took all my sleeping pills and all my anti-depression meds. Over one hundred pills in total. I honestly don’t know how I survived that night, but the next several days were rough.

See the thing is, it’s not about those days itself but about the time before hand. The months before had been a complete misery. Emotional pain that tore up my insides. Pain that I tried to hide, I don’t know if I did a good job of it, and that eventually became too much for me. It got to the point were eventually I just stopped feeling. There would be times were I was so calm and feeling like I was at peace. I now know it was because I knew that it would soon be over.

Yesterday I had only 30 minutes sleep. I woke, went to work feeling the pain inside that I had been feeling for a year. That grief had become an old friend. It was the same, every day. When I got home I finally made it to bed and The Sandman put me out for a good 7 hours.

Yet when I woke, that pain was gone and I was calm again. I wasn’t feeling any other emotion but calm and it scared the crap out of me. I didn’t snooze today. I got up and went right to work. Even work didn’t effect me. No matter who called, what they said or how they were, I just was calm.

And yet I was also extremely freaked out by it because I know when I feel like this I am close to losing it entirely

Yet I cant tell anyone. Who could I tell anyway? Who would care? I honestly cannot think of one person that it would matter to.

I lost my friends and social life because of family. So I know they wouldn’t be there. For my family we are obligations to each other. I have know for my whole life that for ‘Him’ I never measured up to what his ideal of a son should be and the other was his favourite. I know ‘He’ loves me and that he would be saddened if I left. But not by much. The one I wanted to count on left due to my anger and jealousy. I have tried but nothing I can do to fix that situation, so where is the hope.

I know that this will pass and soon the sorrow comes back. But I also know this is only the start of it. It will soon get worse and more frequent. We are told it gets better. And that is true but it also gets worse.

I don’t want to go. I don’t want to die. There is so much I want to do with my life. So much I wanted from my life. But it’s all getting fainter. Dimmer if you will. I don’t want it to be gone. I know there is a light at the end but it’s moving away and not getting closer.

But I am being too dramatic. Maybe I should save it for my writing. I must be looking too deeply into something that probably isn’t even important.

Hopefully tomorrow this will pass. I shouldn’t dwell. It’s nothing really.

I will rest and maybe tomorrow this kingdom will be the same sorrowful place I have come to know.

Goodnight for now. 

Journal: Please Mr Sandman, put me to sleep

Dear Journal

I am so tired. I had only half an hour sleep today. I just couldn’t relax enough to drop off. I had been texting ‘Ex’ all day and night and he didn’t respond to me. I know it’s stupid but I was very hurt by it. I ended up drafting a new letter ‘To a lost love’.

This letter was different from my last one. It talked about why I went bat shit crazy. And it sounded very Moulin Rouge. First there was love. A year of us being together, and then suspicion. After that night, after the two of you became friends, you treated me differently. It was subtle at first. I don’t think you even knew you were doing it.

The letter then went on to detail how my suspicion turned in on itself and became that ugly creature called jealousy. How that jealousy ate away at me and how it tortured me. How it all drove me insane and pushed me away, and then June happened.

How after that night, I knew I had done so badly but I couldn’t make up for it. I knew why you pulled away and nothing I did could make it right. I always knew that, that my suspicion, hurt you and made you pull back. I have never doubted that and I can’t apologise enough for it. What I never understood is the behaviour that fed those suspicions in the first place, where they came from.

I have asked you to explain them over and over again but I just couldn’t get an answer from you. I needed to know why you began to treat me differently. What was it about your friendship that changed you and why you still treat me like that? It was all that which ran through my head

So I wrote and wrote and then got 30 minutes sleep.

I did end up going to work. I took me new mug and it all worked like a charm. I actually had a great day at work. It felt good being there. Like old times. Made me for a while reconsider about changing jobs. It was quiet and fun and I got to watch Comedy Centrals ‘Daily  Show’. Seriously funny stuff.

For lunch I went and re-registered me car. Nearly three hundred dollars to register the Sentra for a year. Now all I have to do is get the warrant. And I am now quite far off buying the iPad.

The last half of the shift felt like torture. I was so tired. It took everything I had to keep my eyes open. But the good thing is that Beau and I texted all day and hearing from him was wonderful. I made me feel so good inside. I knew he hates me and I know its over and I will never know why he changed. But to have him back in my life for even a few minutes and I felt wonderful. Is there something wrong with me for thinking that even though he was still hostile towards me It was the best thing all week I have had.

I am home from work now. Dinner was left over Chinese. A little television and I am going to bed. Hopefully I can sleep tonight. I know I will dream of him, and I know that is the only place I can have him now. But at least there my imagination make bring into being that which should of happened in reality.

So once again I will rest in this vacant kingdom, only to rise and do that which is my duty in the morning.