Dear Journal
I am so tired. I had
only half an hour sleep today. I just couldn’t relax enough to drop off. I had
been texting ‘Ex’ all day and night and he didn’t respond to me. I know it’s
stupid but I was very hurt by it. I ended up drafting a new letter ‘To a lost
love’.
This letter was
different from my last one. It talked about why I went bat shit crazy. And it
sounded very Moulin Rouge. First there was love. A year of us being together,
and then suspicion. After that night, after the two of you became friends, you
treated me differently. It was subtle at first. I don’t think you even knew you
were doing it.
The letter then went on
to detail how my suspicion turned in on itself and became that ugly creature
called jealousy. How that jealousy ate away at me and how it tortured me. How
it all drove me insane and pushed me away, and then June happened.
How after that night, I
knew I had done so badly but I couldn’t make up for it. I knew why you pulled
away and nothing I did could make it right. I always knew that, that my
suspicion, hurt you and made you pull back. I have never doubted that and I
can’t apologise enough for it. What I never understood is the behaviour that
fed those suspicions in the first place, where they came from.
I have asked you to
explain them over and over again but I just couldn’t get an answer from you. I
needed to know why you began to treat me differently. What was it about your
friendship that changed you and why you still treat me like that? It was all
that which ran through my head
So I wrote and wrote
and then got 30 minutes sleep.
I did end up going to
work. I took me new mug and it all worked like a charm. I actually had a great
day at work. It felt good being there. Like old times. Made me for a while
reconsider about changing jobs. It was quiet and fun and I got to watch Comedy
Centrals ‘Daily Show’. Seriously funny
stuff.
For lunch I went and
re-registered me car. Nearly three hundred dollars to register the Sentra for a
year. Now all I have to do is get the warrant. And I am now quite far off
buying the iPad.
The last half of the
shift felt like torture. I was so tired. It took everything I had to keep my
eyes open. But the good thing is that Beau and I texted all day and hearing
from him was wonderful. I made me feel so good inside. I knew he hates me and I
know its over and I will never know why he changed. But to have him back in my
life for even a few minutes and I felt wonderful. Is there something wrong with
me for thinking that even though he was still hostile towards me It was the
best thing all week I have had.
I am home from work
now. Dinner was left over Chinese. A little television and I am going to bed.
Hopefully I can sleep tonight. I know I will dream of him, and I know that is
the only place I can have him now. But at least there my imagination make bring
into being that which should of happened in reality.
So once again I will
rest in this vacant kingdom, only to rise and do that which is my duty in the morning.
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