This Should Be Goodbye.

First off let me say I am not going to kill myself. But this will probably be the last post that I put here and I will explain why a little later on. So please do not freak out. While everything might not be okay, nothing to drastic is going to happen.

Let me begin by saying yesterday was amazing. Hanging out with M during the day, and my girls that night. It was so much fun. 

So confession time. I awoke late yesterday. I was supposed to get up at around nine that morning, but overslept like I do and didn't get up till eleven. That meant the train I was supposed to take into town I had missed. Bugger. Still all was not lost. I got up and got ready. I wasn't going to be back at the house for over twenty fours hours so I packed accordingly. Which means I packed heaps.
D drove me in and dropped me off, me and my big black duffel bag. All this was done as he told me about the famous murder that had happened at the badminton courts. If I wasn't nervous enough, the thought I was stepping into a Wes Craven film, made me jittery as all heck. I shouldn't of worried, I had nothing to worry about. I met M inside, he got me sorted with a racket and introductions. Turns out it was a gay social group that meets every Saturday and plays. 
So the way it works is that you put your name on a board, and get assigned to a random court. You play doubles for about fifteen minutes, having the best kind of fun, and then the whistle blows and you get assigned to a new court, playing with all new people. So you mingle and met everyone. No room for cliques, no room for showboating. Some were newbies like me, others clearly had serious skills. And yet from what I could see, everyone just had fun. 
I know I did. I was running hard all over the court of a good two hours. Some of the dives and save I made were brilliant. I got several fluke shots. However, I lost count of the easy, basic shots I missed. It was just embarrassing. Still if you get a chance, are gay, wanna meet some great people, and like badminton. Then you really should check out this social club. I am sure there are details somewhere.
And all too soon it was over. The two hours was up and others were waiting on the courts. I had time before having to meeting Dee so M decided it was high time I went to the beach this summer. As we had the time I thought why not and agreed. We stopped by his place so we could get changed and ready. I don't own my own togs and got lent a pair. As M joked, finally I got into his shorts. I told Dee what we were going to do and she thought it sounded great but she needed a nap so could we see her afterwards. That was all fine and off to Piha we went. 

The waves freaking huge. Some of the breaks seemed to be like a meter swell. It felt like the first thing we did was get into the water as quickly as possible and out to where the waves were breaking. Deep, yes. Dangerous, oh for sure. But fun, most definitely. I had issue being shirtless out there but soon it was all forgotten. I felt like a water sprite again, crashing and diving. Swirling and swimming. Frolicking and gliding. I could of stayed all day. Except I got water in my mouth and needed to go in for a bit. So began a pattern. Water, sunbathe, water, sunbathe, and repeat. 
I had fun hanging out with M as well. It's great because we have so much in common, and yet he is so different from almost anyone else I have hung out with. And then all too soon it was time to go. We had to pick up Dee and M needed to get ready for work. But not before food. Piha has a great takeaways. The chips look hand cut. 
As is my styles we were fashionably late for picking up Dee. We didn't know how long it would take to get from Piha to Keumu. So ‘see you at seven’ meant we were there at fifteen past. M packed her, while I ran inside and said hello to J. If Dee ever invites you out to here place I strongly urge you to accept the invitation. The place is post card perfect, scenic, idyllic, and all those other words you would use to describe a home like this. But what really gives the place that X factor is Dee's family. These people are world class amazing and definitely people you want in your life. So I had to say hello and make greetings. And I loved every moment of it.
Back at the car and off again. Mike stopped at his place to get changed and I took the opportunity to return the togs and it was off to town. The girls had booked a hotel for the night, a nice place in town. They were going to let me crash there afterwards. So when we checked in, J wasn’t there yet so it was me and Dee, the receptionist said they only had a room with two single beds. Horror and outrage, but nothing could be done about it. Off to the room and was pleasantly shocked. The beds were super king singles. No issues. 
I got a chance to finally shower off the salt water. Put on clean clothes. Grab a drink, and wash my hair. Coming out of the bathroom, J was there and the night began. A quick run to the liquor store, smokes, wine and beer. Back to the hotel after picking up friends, and the drinking began in earnest. I must say, drinking and talking with journalists, I always find it to be an interesting experience. Topics are discussed with earnest and vigor and opinions run deep. You learn so much. 
Soon we went and hit up the party. Proud was down at Victoria Park which was under renovations. Did anyone else know that Victoria Park was being renovated? Still the music was good, the lights were pumping, and the swell of the crowd was intoxicating. As soon as we got in the, instead of getting our groove on, we headed up to Libertine. What I liked about the place is that everyone was cramped on the deck, all ordering from a single bar where the main part of the bar was dead. So instead of waiting in a huge queue we were able to get right to the front of the line. 

But the event was good. From what I could tell, there were two main dance areas. One done by the chimney. A huge stage set at the base where they did the shows, a deejay played the best music and the summer night air stopped overheating, the flashing lights mixed with the beat, all combining to create an event that you could be proud of. 
The second dance area was called the boiler room. Up a flight of stairs and in an empty concrete bunker, the room was filed with smoke and lasers. More standard house music played, the rhythmic beat, and smell of concrete reminded me of old style raves. Men, buff big strong men mostly shirtless, danced and gyrated. It was what I imagined Urge to be like. *Mmm Smile*
I would like to be able to tell you more about La Zeppa but the steps up to it weren’t built. So scaffolding steps were used. I don’t normally have an issue with stuff like this but those steps were narrow and kinda scary. So I was only able to get a single look around. I had lost H and went looking for her so we did a sweep of the place. I wish I could tell you all about it but sadly I just didn’t pay enough attention to it. 
So the night became a mixture of dancing, drinking and relaxing at Libertine. It was the first time I had been able to go out and drink and have fun with my family and it felt right. It felt like my world had taken another step to rightening itself. It was good for my soul.
Any yet it felt like it stopped to early. The main dance area seemed to end around two. The bars closed at four. And because most of the community was down here all the good places on K’rd had closed early. It felt like the night should still be going, it felt so early and yet it was all over. So the girls and I went for dinner. I had eaten with M but that had been eleven hours earlier and I was hungry. So the girls chose Denny’s. I don’t know why they just didn’t go to CharGrill, maybe they thought they were protecting me. Stupid of them, still the chicken burger was nice, and I like how every time we go Dee always remember a new story to tell from another time spent at Denny’s. 
So we made it back to the hotel by five in the morning. I crawled into bed, exhausted. It had been such a busy day for me. I didn’t realise how tired I was till I lay down. I was finally able to sleep on a decent mattress. The bed was so good and comfortable. It was a shame about the pillows. Worst pillows ever. Over twelve hours later and my neck still hurt. Maybe I should call M for one of his massages. 
The girls woke me about midmorning after I slept like the dead. I had enough time to shower, pack and get down to the train station to catch the twelve ten train home. D picked me up from the station and after running a few chores I finally made it home and promptly fell asleep again. I had a lot on my mind and for the time I needed to work through some issues.

Let me prep this by saying that these are my feelings, it cover things I have been told and the outlook I have be given on the world and I cant speak on behalf of others.

I have talked about this before, the end of my relationship. I have cried and struggled after my life was destroyed by a man I thought loved me. I know its stupid, but that is how they made me feel. This was the first man since the death of Andrew that I bared my heart to. For him I took my walls down and left myself exposed. And at first it was good. At first the man I loved was incredible. And then he changed. But I was to close I never noticed it. So for well over a year, from the middle of two thousand and eleven, he manipulated me and played on my insecurities and fears. Maybe it wasn’t all intentional I don’t know. I feel that by September it was but before that, I cant be sure. 
So by the end I was broken. I felt like I was living in the darkest hole. I was suffering and isolated, alone and miserable. I loved a man I knew was unfaithful and yet delusionally believed it would all work out. But it didn’t. I cant tell you how we broke up, because I don't remember it but I know we did. And with that last shred of hope, my world ended. Figuratively I mean. 
So in December I got a wake up call. Three months after the end and my world was spun another way. It gave me the nudge I needed to be able to take a step back and take a serious look at what my life had been turned into. So I got help. I started seeing a new councilor and working through a new program. 
Part of that therapy is to work through my issues through a creative element. I can’t sing, I can’t dance, acting is something I love but I can’t do that everyday, so I turned back to writing. I had given it up last year, so I came back to it. I poured myself into it. And with it I started getting better. The writing allowed me to work through everything. It was therapy. Yet instead of being able to write a letter and burn it to give it back to the universe, I choose to give it to the internet instead. And I used blogger.
For two months it went well. It was working my program and my councilor liked the progress I was making. It was going so well that in February I started building a new life. A fictitious life. It allowed me to create what I hoped would become a daily serial. It was a new reality that I could work my issues in. It wasn’t real, it was a simple practice to work on my writing skills, develop my craft, and dramatize the issues I was feeling.
The serial I kept on a different hosting site. I didn’t want anyone in my circle to know of it. It wasn’t for them. It was for me, it was the world I was creating. I had a twitter account to help give it anonymous publicity. Yet I stupidly started following people I knew which included my Ex. 
Last night, I found out they know all about it. They had been reading it and it had given them pause. Granted because I am hurt I have don’t always paint them in a good light. But I have tried. Yet they have been telling people that they are all worried about me. I was told that they have taken my writing and twisted my words, perverse my therapy into something sinister that it isn’t. I was approached by several people all night asking if I was okay and worried that I was going to hurt myself. According to what I was told, those two have spread that I am suicidal and I have been harassing them, stalking them, (yet I am the one getting the emails so go figure) and acting in a childish and insane way. I was told several time that they were so worried they had even wanted to call the police and have them check on me.
I mean come on. First off they need to leave me alone. They have done their damage. They tore out everything I had and filled it with darkness and pain and left me crying on the middle of the street, devastated and destroyed. So I am tearing out apart what they did to me and now I am putting the pieces back together in a way I know how. To become the man I know I am and not the man they made me. So why the heck are they now trying to do it all over again. Haven’t they done enough damage. Do they really need to start involving themselves in something that shouldn’t be any of there concern, to take everything way out of context and warp it into something that because they know nothing about what is going on.
But what really concerns me is that if they are that worried, if they have legitimate concerns for my safety and my well being, then why not come to me? In the past two months I have made several overtures to get into contact with them. To be able to talk to them, explain and make everything clear. They have never accepted a single one of them. Yet if they feel strongly enough that they think I am a danger and need help then they should talk to me and see for themselves. Except they haven’t. They are just spreading gossip and rumors. Creating drama where there shouldn’t be and I don’t know why.

So they cant stop hurting me, they cant stop prying into my life and finding new ways to carry on screwing with me. Why? Haven’t they done enough, can they not let me get myself righted and leave me alone. They are in love, I get it. They are happy and smiling, ignoring the wake of devastation they have left behind them. Its fine. But by goodness cant they leave well enough alone.
This is my recovery, my last shred of salvation, my redemption and they are going after it. As my girl Katy says I need ignite my light and let it shine. Yet there they are trying to kick sand on it, snuffing it out. I hate that. I can’t stand it at all. The thing that I need, the thing that is helping me become whole. To fix what they broke and they are shitting all over it.
So I want to shut it all down. My entire online presence and completely erase it. End my email, change my number, delete Facebook, remove my blogs and simply give them no opportunity to carry on this hateful campaign. I need to protect myself, I need to protect my recovery. I need to salvage myself what little I can. 
I hate that I have to keep changing my life to accommodate them. I hate the fact that they simply cant leave me alone and move on. To stop creating drama instead of getting all the facts. I don’t want to do this or anything like this. I need my blogs, but as they are still going on, then all they are trying to do is put me back into the dark place they left me in before. So over the next three days I have a decision to make. Because after everything I have been able to put in place. Making a small start in the jigsaw puzzle that is me, I loath the idea of having to take it down and starting again. 
Once again they are forcing me to have to give up my friends, my family, because reconnecting with them has been instrumental, but letting two people who cannot stop hurting those they wish too, carry on trying to destroy all the damn hard work and semblance of a life that I have been able to hobble together. I can’t have that either.

So be forewarned, this may be goodbye. I honestly don’t think I will be able to blog or write here or anywhere anymore and if that is the case then I am sorry. It has been a blast this last few months, but I can’t keep putting myself out there and have them keep ruining me further.

With sorrow and a heavy heart, I bid the internet farewell. 

Troy.

Cautiously Optimistic.

I have been living with a smile in my heart. Well I have been faking a smile in my heart, and it has been working. After the weekend which was the best I had felt in years. The night flew by and I have been trying to keep the feeling going for the rest of this week. 

But it’s hard to keep that feeling going. There is so much external influence that is trying to pull those feelings away. It breaks my heart. 

The emails continue, and I am getting used to them. Okay, its a twist of the knife every time he sends me one, but I am getting used to it. The more, whoever it is that is trying to hurt me, the more I believe he is with the one he should be with.

I met someone. We have been texting since Tuesday. It’s new but I am liking it. There was a plan to meet up on Wednesday. But Dad really hurt himself and Sister wasn’t available so once again it was my turn to look after him. So I missed out on dinner and dancing. I missed out on a great night. The difference was for the last two years, I have let that anger seethe in me. It would fester and boil, and then I would do something incredibly stupid.

So this week I used the techniques therapy had taught me and I channeled it into writing. I started a new blog. A serial I am working on and its brilliant. Not the writing. I still have a lot to improve on. But everything I think, know, feel, I channel into this and I come away ten times better. Before you ask, it wont link it. It’s mine and I want to keep it that way. 

Thursday came and with it was a trip into town. I was supposed to meet with my advisor for AUT but when I got in and checked my emails, the date had been changed to Friday. Rage and anger. So I got coffee and plotted. Plotted stories I mean. 

I was home by four that afternoon. I was going through my notes, checking out an old friend on Facebook when my computer glitched. I don’t know what else to call what happened except a glitch. It meant I had to restart my computer and when I I got it back up and running I found that apparently I had sent a friend request. And been accepted. Which started a wonderful night of catching up with and old friend. I hadn’t realised how much I missed him and valued his friendship. 

So today was similar to yesterday, except this time I caught the train into town. I was going to use a HOP Card to travel but found they don’t work on trains. Bastard at the newsagent lied to me. Another card and I travelled in comfort. I meet with the advisor. Apparently some of my classes clashed and I had failed a paper and one of the classes I wanted wasn’t available to me because of that. 

Still it all got settled and I get new classes due to start on the 4^th March. Eager and excited. I got coffee and was enjoying browsing the internet, except the internet at my favorite cafe kept crashing so I did retail therapy. I have been invited out to participate in a sporting event, I was advised to get shorts and singlets. I found some for a fiver each. Yet when I got home the singlets were too fashion and not actually useable so I am going to wear a white T-shirt. 

I am also panicking about Proud tomorrow. I haven’t been to something like this in years. What to wear? What to take? Oh god I have been thrown for a loop. And I am all excited. Nervous and stressed and worried but excited and happy.

I have to go to bed now. I need some sleep before tomorrow and need to get right. So I will get back in touch with you later and let you know how my weekend went. Hopefully I will have photos and stuff for you as well. Sorry this post is so plain. 

Till Monday.

Troy.

Oh wow. Life is a funny old game.

               I swear I must be bipolar. All day I have been in two minds. A simple war has raged inside my head. On one hand I feel sorrow. I don't mean to be rude, but I still feel isolated. I have been trying to make then best of it. Do the work my therapist has got me doing. Trying to reconnect with people again, but the only way I can is online. So I post, I blog, I comment on Facebook. And yet all I appear to be doing is driving people away.
               I know I am angry and I shouldn't be. My life, which was already on the breaking point come completely apart during those last four months. Yeah I know you have heard it all before, but while others knew it was coming I didn't. I am trying to do the best I can and I am sorry if I am hurting people. It's not what I want. I just wish everyone could just be friends again.
                And yet while the loss of a few people has me sad, the blogging, commenting, Facebooking, is having a positive result. For me, writing everything down, running everything through with words, It just helps make everything clearer in my head. The noise, the chaos in there gets calmed and I can think again. What has also been great is that I have been reconnecting with people, old friends and new.
               Talking to people, one again getting in touch with those that are my friends and family, it has all been a blessing. I cannot fathom what would ever possess to have done that in the first place. Talking to them, texting them, messaging them. It gives me hope that one day it may all be okay.
               And then the sadness comes in again for all those friends I have lost and I have no way to apologise to them and find a away to make it all okay. It a vicious cycle in my head. Since everyone needs to become be friends again and won't it just keeps going on.
               I shouldn't feel guilty about it. I am trying to do my best to make things right. If others won't try, then I can't force them. If other others have problems with others, then that isn't on me. But it does way heavy on my heart. If I had my way. I would gather everyone together in a remote location, like they do in a sitcom, and strand everyone there until everything gets resolved. I am sick of how everyone is treating one another, all I con do is try to do my best.

               But let me ask another question. Am I a bear? I know I am not a think, haven't been one of those since I got back from Sydney. I know I am not a gym bunny. I am bigger than the average gay, so am I a bear? I don't think it would be such a bad thing if is was. I actually like the idea. I remember back when there was Kamo, Loren had a showing of bear art work and I found one or two of those pieces quite moving. But liking art, that doesn't make one a bear.
               Oh gosh, I don't know what I am saying. It's late and I am tired. I didn't sleep last night, I spent all morning working with people to clean out the water tank. I had a busy afternoon in town, meeting with people and running errands. When I got home, there were lawns to be mowed and weeds to be dug out. I spent all afternoon texting a friend. All night on Facebook, chatting with more friends. I need sleep. I have to help a friend move tomorrow so I have another busy day ahead. And where do you buy togs, or clothes for the Pride Gala on Saturday.
               On a side note, all day I have Sandi Thom in my head. "I wish I was a punk rocker with a flower in my hair".

               Anyway, till another time.

               Troy.

Part Of The Summer Assignment I Just Handed In.

She stood in front of the wooden door staring at it. An intricate array of metal held the planks as they curved upwards to a point. Finger softly resting on the handle. 

"It's over, isn't it?"
"A new moment needs to start, we can no longer stay in between"
She turned her head. Soft brown hair hid her green eyes. She didn't stare at him but the smooth stone corridor they had just walked down. There were no lights or torches. Instead light seemed to emanate from the walls themselves. A worn orange rug ran in a strip along the floor. Faded tapestries on one wall, images of her life. Opposite each was a lancet window. The view for each held not an image of landscape but a glimpse of her life had she chosen a different path. 
A small tremble entered her voice as she turned towards the door, “I don’t want to go back."
"Here, in this place I may be able to slow the passage from one moment till the next but I can't stop it. You have to go back. But how you live from that moment on. That's you choice"
In a rush of movement she flung her arms around him, burying her face in his broad chest. He could feel her tears soaking his shirt. Gently he wrapped his arms around her. So involved he was when hold her to him that he completely missed when she spoke
"I'm sorry, I didn't hear that."
"I was so stupid. Why did I let them get to me like that? Oh god I have made so many mistakes."
"A mistake is only a situation you haven't fixed yet, or so I am told. I read that somewhere, I think"
She chocked back a sob and disentangled herself from him staring into his smiling face. "I know what I have to do now. Is there still time?"
"Yes. You hadn't made the choice yet. There still is time."
"Will I remember this?"
She watched as the smile fell. "Do you every remember what happens between the moments?" She shook her head. "While you wont remember me or what I have shown you, the lesson you have learnt, how you feel, they will follow you. Be brave. Live."
"I will, and I will remember you. I promise." This time she took the handle in a solid grip. Twisting she opened the door to a brilliance of light. A little laugh escaped her "I want to thank you but I never got your name." She placed a finger on his lips. "Don't tell me, I want to find out for myself."
He watched her enter into the light. Within two, steps it had swallowed her whole and she was gone. Softly as if only to himself "It's Sariel. My name is Sariel and you wont remember."
The door swung to a close, He turned his back to it and sat on the floor, crossed legged. The back of each hand rest on his knee. His breathing slowed. Little by little he clamed down until his eyes slid closed.

A series of loud knocks intruded on Sariel’s solitude. Slowly he opened his eyes. The room had changed. Instead of a rich corridor with furnishings and views, it was now a simple box made of plain white mortar. He placed his hands on the floor brushing the sides of the thin mat he had been sitting on. Its colour and decay reminded him of the carpet he had created. Slowly, gently, Sariel pushed himself up. The knocking came again. Four loud bangs almost rattled the door off it hinges. 
“Patience Sir, I am coming.” Wobbling, he made his way to the door and slid it open. A man a head taller than him stood there. Short salt and pepper hair sat on top of an angular face. Cobalt eyes stared into the room. His thin mouth pinched into a sharp line. 
“A mat, a bowl, a desk, and a dresser. You could do with a bit more stuff.”
“I have all I need.”
He watched the man turn his stare onto him. One eyebrow raised
“What I mean sir is that, while I agree there is room for maybe some other items I am quite comfortable. Please dean, take no offence by my words. My I ask what is going on?”
“Oh yes, that. A council has called a gathering of all.”
“And I am required to attend?”
“Yes,” the dean said rolling his eyes, “they are asking for everybody. And you,” a finger poking into Sariel’s chest, “are part of everybody. So put on some decent robes and be at the assembly at the third bell chime.”
“The third bell.” Sariel eyes widened “Sir please, what has happened?”
“There was a gap again. It’s no mistake this time. Deliberate interference. We must investigate and see if the treaty has been broken.”
“Oh shit.” 
Barely had the words left his lips, before Sariel found himself rolling across the floor of his room.
“Language like that is not tolerated. You have spent too much time, down in the observatory. Now clean yourself up and present yourself on the third chime.”
With that he wiped his hand on his robe, turned, and strode off. Sariel watched while he sat up. Wiping the blood from his lips he tried standing but found himself even more unsteady than before. 

Sariel waited till nearly everyone had left the assembly before he too took his turn to leave. He had taken bathed and felt good in the newly laundered clothes, his face was bruised but he didn’t mind. For him it had been awhile since he had to look presentable and clean, but the more the council had spoken and debated, the dirtier he had felt. By the end he knew how those he had helped must of felt. Slowly he walked to one of the side doors hoping to slip away unnoticed. 
“I have been looking for you Sariel.”
Her melodic voice floated along to him and he stoped in his tracks. With a deep breath he turned and face her. The women skin was bone white. Green eyes like his, but hers changed depth and colour with each movement she made. Soft pink full lips showed a big smile. Wearing nothing but a loose cream shift she pulled her son into a tight hold.

“Astrieal, it’s been to long. How have you been?”

She released her son out to arms reach, his back pressed against the doorway. 

“Stop the formality Sariel. Do not treat me, as you are to treat them. If there is anyone in this place with who you can be yourself, it’s me and we both know this,” She gestured up and down his person, “formality isn’t you.” 

Sariel hesitated a moment. “Please for me,” he heard her say

In return he bowed his head “I am sorry Mama.” 

With a soft laugh she kissed his forehead. “Come Sariel, let us walk in the garden and talk like we used to.” 
"Sam, if we are dropping the formality then please call me Sam." 
"Sam" she said as if trying out the word. "I like it". She grasped Sariel’s bicep and together they headed out.
The garden, as everything else, was in a constant of harmony with itself. Set in a ring around the city it contained every colour on the spectrum. All flowing and blending in with each other. Red leafed trees melted into orange bushes and flowing into yellow flowers. Green parks becoming blue shrubs settling into the purely bare white of a winter wood. Scattered throughout, fountains and benches, animal trails and wide boulevards. A little something for everyone.
Mother and son walked slowly together. Neither was in any kind of hurry. Still both held their words. Trees were spread sparsely around, rich colours of autumn burning with the light from the sun. The path was wide, void of anyone else, it followed a little stream gurgling over the rocks until it widened and fell forever into the river that made the boundary to their land. Astrieal pulled her son down to the edge of the cliff. They sat their feet dangling over. 
"What did all that mean Mama?"
"Huh?" Astrieal brought her gaze around to her son "The assembly? You were there, what part didn't you understand?"
Sariel shook his head slightly, palms gripping the edge, "They kept talking about a flicker, but they never said what a flicker was. Are they worried the treaty has been broken. And if it has, does this mean the return of the war."
He watched his mother think for a moment, "the flicker they are talking about is a disruption in the natural order. A disturbance caused by direct involvement."
"And they can see that?"
"Well of course" she laughed. "It's one of the main function of the observatories. To monitor the world below that there is no interference form either side."
"But don't we interfere all the time?"
Astrieal took a breath. Her face turned outwards. "Not directly no. We can influence, guide and nudge. But the treaty is clear. No direct involvement. There has been sign that someone has broken it for some time now. Things the council could ignore and say was just imaginings. There was a clear gap in the continuum today. No is denying it now"
"So now we go to war?"
"Not yet, for now we investigate. We inform the Others what we have seen, each side will send a representative and investigate. War is unlikely unless the damage is too sever."
"Oh," Sariel sighed, "that's good then."
Astrieal placed her hand in Sariel's knee. "You do not need to worry. Even if there was a war you couldn't be called up. It wouldn't be proper."

A hard edge entered Sariel's voice "I forgot, half casts aren't deemed worthy to be with full bloods."

"It's not that and you know it."
Sariel bowed his head "I'm sorry Mama."
"I know you are frustrated my child."
"Wouldn't you be with their double standards? I am expected to live by their rules and yet everyday I am reminded that I am not apart of them. I'm no better than a pet."
"Well, sometimes I do feel you could use a collar and lead."
Astrieal tried to hide the small smile behind a hand. Sariel's barked out his own laugh. "I think that is something many would like to see."
"Perhaps, however it is not to be"
Silence settled between them. Each gazed out into their own view of the distant world below. Water rushed off the edge. A warm breeze played across their skin.
"Why are we here Mama?"
A softness entered Astrieal voice. "You used to love this place as a child. It took everything I had to stop you going off the edge."
"I remember"
"I come here sometimes. To remember back to those times. It was so simple in the beginning."
"Mama?"
"Nothing son. This place haunts me with memories."
"Do you wish to go?"
She looked at Sariel. Her eye's flashing him a brilliant green. "Oh no. I feel more alive here than anywhere. Memories those that remind me of that time, burn brightest when I am at the place that created them."
Sariel stood moving away from the edge. He dipped his toe in the cold water. It's flow played over his skin.
"Why can we not interfere Mama?"
"Because that is what has been decreed"
"Yes but why?"
Astrieal sighed and rose to stand by her son, "Please Sam, I don’t want to start this again."
Sariel stepped out of the water, his arms crossed. "Not this time Mama. I need a real answer now."
"Because when He left, we were told that they were to follow their own path."
Anger entered Sariel's voice, "that’s a copout."
Astrieal tilted her head slightly, "cop out? I am not familiar with this expression."
"It means placing blame on something else to make an excuse not to act on an unfavourable situation."
"I see, and you think His word no longer matters?"
Sariel threw his hand out in the direction of the cliff, "It's dying out there. The Earth. The one you were charged to watch, to guide, it is all falling apart."
Astrieal took her son's face in her hand. "No Sam. It's nature. For billions of years species through out this entire universe have come into being and faded out. It is no different on that planet than any other, you know that."
"That's a lie" Sariel reached up taking her hands in his and removing them from his face. "I have read the texts on the other sectors, the brief times other have been allowed entry, I have spoken to their ambassadors. No where else has there been a situation like this before." 
"Those texts are forbidden to you" Astrieal said while backing away from her son.
"I am to not know about the cloud of shame that hangs over this place? I shouldn't be here. Others like me were put to death. A mass genocide, where you had to almost restart the planet. Never had there been a kingdom that has been given so much"
Astrieal shoulders sagged. Her eyes became a dark green, almost black, a single tear tracked down her cheek. 
"And we lost it. We were an experiment as much as they are. We became corrupted. It ran through out the entire kingdom. We too were nearly destroyed. You know all this. Why are you bringing it up now?"
Sariel took a deep breath, "because when the investigation concludes, it will be I that is found to be interfering with the world below."
He watched her hands come cover her mouth as she slowly crumple to the ground. Her shift flowing out around her. "What have you done? You will get us both killed."
Sariel walked over to her and knelt, "Just me. But someone had to take a stand."
Her sobs were hidden behind the sound of the waterfall.
"You must leave, I can smuggle you out and away."
"No Mama. I will not run. They do not know and as yet they may not find out."
"But why? How? You know the law. His law. None of us can break it. How did you?"
He sat, crossed his leg, took her hand in his and closed his eyes. When he opened them he was back in the corridor again. As always he was at the beginning. The small gasp came from behind him. Turning he saw his mother standing there turning every which way around. The elaborate furniture, the orange rug, its arched windows and worn tapestries. 
"What is this place?"
He took her hand and together they started to walk. 
"This is the space between moments."
Astrieal shook her head while looking all around, "I don't understand."
"As near as I can figure it, life moves in a liner fashion. From one persons perspective it goes from on moment to the next. They call it time. All I did was find a way to enter the passage between those moments. Here time is relative. You and I are sitting on the ground and when we get to the far door we will still be sitting on the ground. To anyone else nothing would have changed, but here you and I can have an eternity."
"The flicker they are seeing. It's when you are moving into this space?"
"No." He turned to face the nearest window. Astrieal followed his gaze. Outside was a sea of faces. "The flicker happens when I pull one of then in here."
She took her gaze from the window and looked at her son, "But why?"
"Each of them needed help. Each had a decision to make."
They started walking again. Quicker this time. They stood in front of the planked door. With a quick flurry Sariel opened the door and they stepped through.
Both of their eyes opened and fell upon each other. Back to the garden and the waterfall. Sariel stood and took his mother's hand helping Astrieal to her feet. "Sorry, I didn't want to be to long. They may not have seen that."
"We should leave, just to be safe.
Turning, walking back to the trail, they started following the river around the edge. Silence settled on them again. From somewhere far off a bell sounded. A rush of turbulent wind followed the sound as normal. 
"Are you going to tell on me?"
"I don’t know Sam, tell me everything."

***

Sariel felt the hand grab him from behind. Thrown off balance he stumbled into the darkened alcove. A hand clamped over his mouth and a body was pressed up against him. Sariel stared into Phadakai’s eyes. Red flecks in the pink irises gave the impression of sparkling wine. He allowed himself to go limp, there was no use fighting. The dark haired boy was a good foot taller then himself and much broader. Sariel knew from their time in training that once he was being held, there was no chance for him to escape.
The rumble of the boots faded as the rest of the class left the viewing room, climbing the stairs back to the city. Even when everything was silent and they should be safe still Phedakai still hadn’t moved off him. Only after what to him felt like an eternity did he feel the other boy’s body relax and slowly move away. 
“What are you doing Kai?”
He watched the boy walk back into the viewing well. Its bottom pool had gone misty again, refilled with the cloudy substance that made their ground. From where they stood, it’s smooth walls were only a couple of feet deep. The rest of the shaft, its bone white marble, rose all the way back to the citadel above. Viewing platforms like this one, a single shelf with a bronze brick railing wrapped all the way around. Each had been made at irregular intervals all the way back to the top. 
“I wanted to look longer, there is so much of their world we didn’t get to see. Aren’t you even a little bit curious?”
“Of corse”, Sariel acknowledged, “but we can’t be here without a chaperon. I can’t take getting punished again”. A cold shiver ran down his back, “the scars from last time are still healing”.
A smile broke across Phedakai’s face. “Yeah but it was worth it. I mean come on, those stairs were begging to be turned into a slide.”
“The council didn’t think it was ‘worth it’ not when we crashed into that summit. Sure the others were laughing but after what the council did to us. I thought we would never be allowed out again.”
“So nothing we do here could be as bad as that, right?”
“I hope not”.
Phedakai walked back to the railing. Sariel watched as he lay on the railing, one hand lazily dangling into the swirling mist. A rippling wake broke across the bumpy surface. He watched as Phedakai fingers went from listing lazily to curling into a claw and grab at a thread. Slowly bit by bit the boy’s body began to pull forward. Sariel grabbed his friend’s belt, rested on hand on the railing and began pulling for all he could. Phadakai’s chuckle belayed the seriousness if the moment. 
“Will you shut and help?”
A surge of movement and Phedakai stood next to him, a cord of grey mist still tucked into his hand. 
“What are you doing? A few moments more and you would of fallen”
The look Phedakai gave him had Sariel worried, “would it of been such a terrible thing? To fall I mean.”
“You can be a real dick sometimes,” said Sariel shaking his head
“I love it when you talk like them.”
In response Sariel growled and walked to the other side of the platform.
“Don’t you want to see the rest, to take a look at the whole world?”
“No, if you want to stay, go ahead. Look all you want. But me, I need to leave. I hate it when you get like this.”
“So you are only leaving because of how I am being?”
Sariel had to stop for a moment to think about that, “the reason why I am leaving doesn’t matter. All that matter is that I am.” He stared walking again towards the hollow door. The blast had him flat on his back, hands covering his head.
In an instant the noise cut off, Sariel stood and looked back over his shoulder.
“Sorry, I turned the volume up instead of down.”
“You probably just woke the whole city with that racket, we seriously should leave, right now”, yet instead of walking away, Sariel took a step back into the well. Looking down over the lip he saw the mist below was gone. In it’s place a transparent lens bowed down onto an image of flame and dirt. Yellow mist swirled around the dark mud. Bodies lay stacked on thin barbed strips of wire. 
“What the hell is all this?”
He felt Phedakai eyes look over at him, “it’s what they didn’t want to show us. It’s what they thought we were not ready for. Those images we saw, they are from years before, not today.”
Sariel starred down into the horror bellow. Phedakai continued 
“They are calling it the great war. In reality its a European war but the damage and devastation, the after effects, it will take generations to recover.”
Sariel’s knees went weak, he could barely stand. A helping arm circled his waist and soon his face was buried in the other boy’s chest. 
“Don’t look away, look at them.” This time it was Sariel pulling back. He stared into the face of the boy holding him. The high cheekbones, the thin angular nose, lips that were always looking to thin. But there was a new element there now. Drops of liquid trailing from the corner of the eyes all the way down to the chin below. Without thinking, Sariel reached up and took one of them on his finger. He had heard about tears before. Seen them on those they watch. This was just the first time he had seen one in real life. Without thinking he placed the finger in his mouth. The sweetness of the tear, its honey taste, had him baffled. Phedakai, for his part was watching the well. 
“You, you cry for them?”
“I always cry for them. You are just the first one I have let see.”
“Oh Kai”
“Don’t worry about me Sam, I will be all okay”.
Sariel twisted his body around so once again he was facing the well. Phedakai’s arms stayed around his waist. The thick cord from before, the one Phedakai had pulled out was connected into the brass railing. Sariel remembered studying about this in his books. Because Phedakai was the one to pull it out the well was now tuned into him and anything he wished to see would materalise below. Only he could control everything they saw. 
“Why do you want to watch this? Surly there are many more things in their world you could want to look at.”
Phedakai raised his arm up and flicked his wrist. The image changed. Thick jungle forest displayed, a hot breeze played across Sariel’s exposed skin. Sounds of wildlife replaced the ones of violence. A line of men came into view. Sariel didn’t see how they could move through such dense forest with such ease, but this tribe had lived there for generations. They knew every track and path, it was all ingrained into there blood. 
The men walked into the first clearing. No bigger than ten foot wide. All empty except for the stone alter. The men laid the carcass down. As one man stood next to the animal, the other knelt around. There soft chanting, a simple praise to the forest spirits for allowing them to capture this animal and the thanks they give. 
A while later, the creature butchered the men gathered the meat, skin, and bones and walked a little further to reach their village. What greeted them was the smoking ruins of huts, precious belongings in one pile on the ground, the bodies of nearly every man, women, and child in another. Screams came from the one hut left standing. White men, stood around that hut, waiting their turn with those inside. 
Their meat forgotten the hunters surged out at those men standing around. They never got closer then a few feet from the men. Their machine guns ripped through their bodies, cutting them down in two’s and three’s. The last one, with more holes than skin on his chest crawled forwards, a shattered spear in his hand. He felt the boot on his back, the soft click. 
Sariel turned away. He couldn’t look any longer.
“It won’t matter where we look, “ Phedakai said, “their actions are exactly the same the entire world over.”
Phedakai flicked his hand and the scene below changed. With each flick a new tragedy played out in front of Sariel. With each horror, each atrocity he understood why the others looked at him as if he was a dangerous creature. This was in him. This violence, this ability for destruction. He couldn’t help wondering when would he implode?  
“No. I deny this. This is not all we are.”
“We?”
Sariel thought about what he said, had he meant to put himself with those monsters he had just watched?
“Yeah, we,” he said after a moment. “Half of me is them, I know them more than you...”
“You know nothing” Phedakai roared, Sariel had never seen his friend like this and stood back.
“They are monsters” Phedakai gestured to the images below “The harm and suffering they cause is beyond all measure. Why can’t you see that?”
“Because that is not all there is to us. Yes we have the capacity for violence. Everyone does. But they also have the capacity for good.” 
Phedakai scoffed, “there is not a drop of good in anything I feel from them.”
“You, you feel them?” That made Sariel stop and think for a moment. “You feel them.” he whirled on his friend, poking him in the chest, “You are an empath. You are a fucking empath. This all makes sense now.” Sariel looked around the well, realising the implications of where they are. The level of emotion that must be channeling into his friend.
“You can’t be here. You are not safe here. Why did you not tell anyone.” he grabbed Phedakai’s arm and tried pulling him towards the door. Phedakai shook him off.
“Because it wouldn’t of mattered. Because there is no where to hide, no way to escape from it. Everywhere I go I feel them. I lay awake at night hearing their cry’s and suffering.”
“You’re a messenger.” Said Sariel softly, “Oh Kai, you’re a messenger, aren’t you.”
Phedakai slumped on the ground, he pulled his legs to his chest, burying his face. “There hasn’t been one in centuries.”
Sariel knelt and took his friend in his arms. As best as he could he tried comforting his friend. 
“They just have free will Kai. Compared to you, to the people here, the species is in its infancy stage. They are struggling. Toddlers whose parents have abandoned them in a room full of weapons. How can you expect them to have restraint, when they haven’t been taught? But Kai, you need to tell someone. You can’t go through this alone.”
“I did tell someone” Phedakai looked up into his eyes, “I told you.”
Sariel for a moment couldn’t breath. 
“Sam when you told me what you could do, find the gap in between moments, and how to step into it. Then I knew we were both special. Then I knew that it was you that I had to tell this to.”
“You are my best friend, and it was hard to keep it from you when I accidentally pulled you in to” 
The memory of that afternoon made both boys laugh. Sariel had been practicing while he was supposed to be doing the afternoon meditation, He was getting better at clearing his mind and finding the gap. When a stray thought about something that Phedakai had done earlier just moments before he was to enter and they both entered into the corridor. Phedakai thought it was the best thing ever, they tried to stay as long as possible. However when it came time to leave and renter the moment, Sariel had no idea how to renter someone and Phedakai ended up sprawled in front of the priest. What was worse was he was laughing so hard that he ended up being sick all over the mans shoes.
Now the two sat quietly on the floor thinking of that time. A spark of happiness in the moment of sorrow. When the moment passed Sariel was the first to stand back up.
“We need to go Kai, we need to tell someone” He offered his hand, Phedakai took it and hauled himself up. Slowly the two boys turned, Sariel felt Phedakai lean on his shoulder as they stumbled towards the door.
Sariel nearly fell when Phedakai stopped just before the door, he turned to look up at his friend inquiringly. 
“Did you mean what you said before?”
“Yes, I meant everything I said,” came Sariel’s automatic response, “but which part are you talking about?”
“That those,” he gestured back over his shoulder “people, need guidance.”
Sariel thought about that. “From what I read, from the history I know, wasn’t that what we were originally supposed to do. We were charged with guiding these species, to help them develop.”
“That was before the divide.”
“Right, they started abusing their power. Actually believing they were the gods, or beings that the humans were treating them as. Abusing that power and exalting themselves above all others. We wanted to follow the orders and do as instructed. They wanted to do what they want and force them to do their personal bidding. In the end a truce was made. Both sides would leave everyone alone. Simply because both sides would wipe everything out if the other side got the upper hand.”
Phedakai looked at him pinching the bridge of his nose. “That is the first thing they taught us in school, so I don’t need the lesson. A simple ‘yes’ would of been fine.”
“Sorry”
“Never mind”
Sariel tried to start walking again but Phedakai wouldn’t move. 
“What if” Phedakai hesitated for a second. “What if we could tip the balance, and not get everything wiped out? What if it looked like the humans did it to themselves?”
Bewilderment settled on Sariel, “I don’t understand?”
“They are not going to get better Sam. One way or the other something needs to change. The more we leave them, the more the fumble along. The worse for them it gets. They aren’t going to make it without help. And it’s too late to help them all. There is to many of them. There population simply exploded in the last hundred years and it is only going to rise. Soon we will have billions upon billions of them” Sariel felt Phedakai move away from him and slowly watched as he crossed back to the other side if the room, back to the grey cord as he continued talking. “They could invent new ways to make their lives better. Instead they invent new ways to kill each other. Land is cut up and segmented by invisible lines that only they can see. They pass metal between hands and give it illogical value. They kill for it even and then do nothing but give it away again. It makes no sense at all.”
“You are talking about money.” 
“Its little discs of metal.”
“But it represents a certain value”
Sariel walked to the edge, the well between them now felt like a canyon.  
“It needs to end. It needs to be put right.”
“Please Kai, don’t talk like that. Please don’t talk like them.”
“I am nothing like them” Phedakai roared. “I want to return them back to where they should be. Back to where we can manage them and start over again. When it is all done, when the handful remain, those we will have as our chosen and those we will guide the way we should of.”
“Why are you talking like this?”
“Because they cry out for it.”
“And how are you going to get away with it? Huh? How does this plague begin? You can’t even touch their world, the barriers are too strong. And even if you do, lets say you succeed and infect the world. What is to stop the others from taking over?”
From out his tunic Phedakai pulled a vial of black liquid, “With this.”
The vial was held still but the liquid sloshed all around giving the appearance as if being shaken.
“It’s alive. What is it.”
“A treat from Pandora’s box.”
“You stole that? You have to put it back. 
“Why, its harmless to us. But to the Others, to humans, completely deadly. Very few will be immune and for the others, none of them will be. The best thing about it is that it’s slow. It will take generations for it to react.” Sariel noted the hollowness in his voice “Anger and violence will rise. Slowly, wars will escalate. This stuff, it doesn’t do anything really but hasten that which is already about to happen. The others, well it will infect them to, increase their own rage. And with nothing but each other to focus that anger on, they will destroy themselves. 
“Oh God” Sariel breathed out
“DO NOT BRING HIM INTO THIS” The force of the outburst had Sariel pressed up against wall. Faster then he could see Phedakai was in front of him, grabbing the front of his tunic in his hands. “This is all his fault. All he had to do was step in and take one fucking interest. Instead we get walled off from the others. Exiled and abandoned. Fuck him, fuck the Council, fuck the Others. This changes now.”
“But how?’ Sariel kept his voice soft, “You can’t even touch their world, none of us can. The barrier allows for only the minimal amount of influence. What you are trying to do, its impossible.”
“No, Not impossible,” Phedakai released the shirt. Smoothing out the wrinkles he had made, “not anymore.”
“You found a way across?” gasped Sariel.
“No my young friend, I didn’t figure out anything. You did”
Sariel didn’t know what to say. What could he say? He hadn’t done anything. 
“I haven’t done anything.”
“But you did, you found a way in between moments. And that’s when I realised. You are not fully from this world. The rules, the ones the can’t break, you can, you choose not to.”
In disbelief Sariel shook his head, “No I cant those rules apply to me to.”
“True they apply, but where for me, it is physically impossible to break them. For you its a choice.”
The words, there implications were too much for Sariel. What they meant, it was to staggering. But it also made sense. In a way now he knew why the priests and the teachers were so worried about him. It wasn’t just because he was a half blood. It wasn’t because he was dangerous. No, it was because the things they couldn’t do, he chose not to do. Like those below he had the ability of free choice. There were no restrictions. 
Sariel looked up and saw that he was on the other side of the room, the grey cord right in front of him. He felt the hand on the back of his neck. The one that had been steering him around the room while he had processed all the new thoughts. 
“But you cant expect me to help you? I want no part of this. Its just insane”
“If He wont help, if they wont do anything, then I have to.”
“Please Kai,” pleaded Sariel, “this is just beyond crazy. I know you are hurting. I have no idea how you are handling the noise, especially here. But this plan of yours. You cant do it. Be patient, give them time. Let them figure it out. I know what lies within them. They will be better.”
So softly the words floated into Sariel’s ears, “this is what they have figured out.”
Phedakai’s fingers pressed against Sariel’s temple. Sound, so loud that there was no volume just pressure. Light so bright that even his eyes couldn’t make their usual spots. All this sensations warred around Sariel. But it was the wave of emotion that was the worst. Sariel had very little talent when it came to empathy. He could never properly pick out the emotions of his classmates. But this, He had no trouble feeling this. Unlike the other sensation they didn’t combine into one. They didn’t bleed together. Instead each one was felt, each feeling as strong as the one actually feeling it. But thousands, millions, billions of emotions flooding into him, each one ripping through him. It was to much. He was drowning in it. Couldn’t breath. Paralyzed with the horror of it all. It just went on forever
But then it was gone. As soon as felt the fingers lift of him it all stopped, but it didn’t. The memory of it stayed. Fresh, raw, not faded or dull. 
“What you had, that was the equivalent of five of their seconds. A simple flash of every moment of my life. I know them, I know their hearts and the truths that lie in them. They wont change. Not without having to. I need to make them want to. I need them to change because that just cant carry on any longer.”
Sariel sat on the floor staring into the marble, “I have no idea how anyone can live like that.” he turned and reached up to the face just above him. Gently he stroked the check, “I understand, I’m sorry but I understand now. But for all the bad I felt. For all the anger and rage. For all the sorrow that you live with, there is such joy in there too. Such goodness and wonder and faith. The pain is loud, it screams at you, its tempo rises up and fades. But what it sits on, the undercurrent, that is a constant. Not once did that change. That hum hangs there, and that is what you need to grab on to. You are missing the beauty by focusing on the noise.”
Sariel watched as Phedakai’s eyes got wider, he could feel the boy moving back, physically and emotionally, “beauty? There is nothing beautiful about it.”
“Oh Kai, it was all beauty.”
“NO, it was all horror and pain.”
“It wasn’t, I swear, Kai you need to talk to someone. This, this plan, how you are seeing this gift, it’s all wrong. Please,” Sariel stood, once again he stretched out his hand to Phedakai, “come with me and we will do this together.”
Sariel felt the boy rise, once again, he was taken into the other lads arms. He felt the head rest on his shoulder. The wetness on the tears running down his back. The softest kiss on the side of his neck. The blade slipping easily into his abdomen. 
“Yes we will do this together” Phedakai said gently, “I am so sorry Sam. But you are wrong. There is no other way.” Sariel felt the knife being removed, into to be replaced a moment later on the other side of his body. He looked down at the blood pouring out of him. He reached up to try and cover the holes in him. Sariel’s watched as Phedakai pushed hands away and ripped open the tunic and covered the two holes them with his own. But hands dug into the wound and soon the grey cord, the one attached to the well was fed into him, then through him. He watched as Phedakai knotted the cord to itself, made sure it was secure. He picked up the vial, the one with the black liquid on it and poured it all over Sariel’s exposed chest. The liquid flowed all over his body, expanding itself to cover every inch of him. Filling in the gaps around the cord, filling up his inside. The last thing he saw, before it covered his face was Phedakai pushing him over the railing and into the well bellow.

***

Sariel took a deep breath, "Since that day I have watch them. I guess that is no secret. From as long as I can I have wanted to know what his actions that day caused to the world below. It's forbidden for me to go down, but I can watch. And I have. For decades I watched wars, false messiahs, greed, corruption, love, hope, compassion, strife, struggle... I just watched. All the pain and suffering I have caused. Mama I had to do something. Phedakai turned me into his weapon, and all that has followed, all that has befallen them, its all my fault.”
Autumn trees gave way to yellow poppies. Statues of past heroes were stationed on the side of the path.
"Afterwards, when I awoke, when the inquisition was done," Sariel continued, "after you knew the extent of the damage you decided to just stand back and let it happen. To you the treaty became more. The Earth changed but His law didn't. I watched your kind hold onto the past and give up on their future."
"Our kind?" Astrieal said. "You don't consider yourself one of us"
"No more than your kind does. I live here and I am supposed to follow your rules, but I am not one of you."
"I see, please continue."
Sariel walked in silence for a moment "The population exploded in a short amount of time. Billions were born. Yet as Phedakai predicted, instead of working together to build a better world, they fought. They fought the dark, they fought the monsters, and they fought the others. But mostly they fought themselves. The fight wars over false prophets and black slick, colours of skin and gender. They even fight their own mind and their own individuality. Mama it tore at me."
"But why?"
"Because their own internal war, everything they struggled against, I too have felt. I too still have that inside me. Living here I have been subjected to all the same misery and I know what they are feeling"
Sariel nearly tripped as Astrieal pulled him into a tight embrace. "Oh my son, I never knew."
"Mama I am fine. I am tough. Where it taught them anger and pain, it taught me to be strong and have faith in myself." Gently he pulled her arms off from around him. "I survived. Billions down there wont."
"But they are not your responsibility. You are not one of them. What happened, you cannot blame yourself for."
"I am more them than I am you. I feel, I have emotions, desires, Outwards is a clam exterior, inside I feel their storm."
They resumed walking, Astrieal again taking her sons arm. 
"I could no longer stand it. I had to try. I spent so much time in the library. I read everything looking for anything I could use to help,"
"And that's when you found you could pull them in like you did Phedakai?"
"Yes, it wasn't nothing but a single line buried in an ancient tomb by Liwet. It speculated that there had to be something that connected moments and if you could find it then you could see the passage from one to the next. Liwet thought that only a person who himself was in between could find the place"
Yellow poppies started to give way to low green hedges. Animals from the past were carved out of the larger bushes. The wind rattled the leaves as if they were alive and moving.
"It was then that I realised that I had already found the place. Every time I had meditated I had moved through the place I showed you. With some practice I learnt how to bring others into it with me. So I began helping as much as I could. The sad, angry, venerable, desperate, suicidal. Any that were in trouble I could reach out to. I did."
"How many times have you done this?"
"I've lost count."
"You've doomed yourself."
"No more than I doomed them. I had to act on what I believed. If I didn't then I don't think I could of lived with myself."
Sariel felt Astrieal head resting on his shoulder. He guided her to a nearby bench. He sat next to her, elbows on his knees, hands clasped. 
"Why are you telling me this?"
"Because you are the first one to ask me about it." came Sariel's reply.
"His law was passed for a reason. When we did as you are trying to do, it nearly destroyed us. We intended to be pure, but we became corrupted. We were given this kingdom, charged to protect and influence them, and instead we were the one's changed."
"So I am a corruption?" said Sariel softly.
"Oh no my love. I cannot picture life without you in it. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I loved your father very much, and I know he loved you too."
Astrieal rested her hand on her son's back, "have you in love?"
Sariel's response was slow coming, a touch of finality entered his tone, "Once."
"Oh I am so sorry"
Sariel sat up, resting his back on the bench.
"I understand what you are doing Sam, and your reasons why. You’re intent is noble and true. But you are breaking our laws. I understand you may not consider yourself one of us and there are many here who would agree with your sentiment. But you do live in our lands and as such you must obey."
"If I leave?"
"Where would you go? The minute you leave this place you leave our protection. Where are you to fall. The field's wouldn't have you. The Other’s, I shudder to think what they would do to you."
"Earth then."
"You would be hunted and killed within a week. Any surviving Halflings are given no quarter. You know that. It would be your own suicide."
The light began to dip. In silence they watched it move towards the horizon. Sariel felt his own silent tears carve paths down his cheek. Gently his hand reached out and took Astrieal's. She reached up with her other hand to run her fingers through his hair. Gently he laid down resting his head in her lap. Together stayed like that, each letting the tears fall. Astrieal silently continued to run her hand through his hair. The light lowered until its edge touched land, the bell sounded.
"Sam, I must go now. I am not going to tell anyone about any of this. But you must stop. If only for now."
Sariel sat up, "I can’t. I am sorry. I will be more careful but I cant."
"I guess that will have to do."
He watched her stand, she laid her hand on top of his head, slowly shifting it down to his cheek. Then she turned and moved off. To him it almost seemed like she was floating as she walked away. He stayed there. It wouldn’t be good if they were seen together. His time was running out and he needed to distance himself, to protect those he cared for. 
When darkness gave him cover he moved off and back to the dormitory. Quietly he entered his room, a quick scan told him nothing had been moved, the joys of having nothing. Lighting the candle on the desk, its warm light flickering around the room, he pulled open the draw and removed the only scroll he owned. To anyone else, it looked like simple teachings. But the library had taught him more.
He laid it down in the floor, fully unrolled. The bowl, its grey water, he poured over the paper. No matter how many times Sariel had preformed this act, he was always surprised each and every time. The water didn’t roll everywhere as one might think it would of but instead turned itself into a solid tube. Slowly snaking its way down the page. He looked at each bend, a joint resting on a single letter until he had a name.
With great care he picked up the scroll and poured the water back into the bowl. Not a drop spilt. Placing the bowl back on the dresser he took his spot back on the mat. Legs crossed, arms gently rested on his knees he closed his eyes and began the breathing exercises. Clearing his mind of everything but a single name.