A Little Goes A Long Way.

I didn't sleep last night. The fear of the ordeal I was to go through this morning kept me up all night in a panic. I know to others it sounds completely stupid but for me there is something about the thought of visiting the dentist that absolutely terrifies me.so I have been putting it off. It had been six years since I had last gone but this morning I had no choice. A few weeks ago I was in terrible pain. I had been putting off doing something about it because of my fear, but in the end I just had to repair to get it fixed.
That visit wasn't so bad so I went today for a proper checkup. Logically I have no reason to be afraid. But as soon as that hook went into my mouth I was gripping the arm rests, white knuckling it the whole way through. Two fillings, a clean and several X-rays and I was all done. But my heart raced during the whole visit.
Once done, the hour over, I knew there was nothing rational about my fear. There wasn't a reason for it. But I had let it control that part of my life. Now I have several more sessions and work that needs to be done. Maybe my gums wouldn't be so bad if I had thought help sooner. Bt even now, even after the session, my heart still races at the memory of this morning.
Afterwards a wonderful thing happened. A friend invited me out. After everything I have written here my first reaction was to say no. I was going to use the excuse of my numbed face as a reason to not go. Fear was my first reaction. But this is what I wanted. To connect with people, and here was a friend reaching out. Did I have a right to say no? I didn't feel that saying no was the right thing so I went.
It was just so strange. Here someone was offering me something I desperately wanted and I was afraid of it. With the dentist surgery, it was the fear of pain and the procedure. But with my friend, it was the fear of hurting her. Of shattering her world. I don't know how I will do it this time, but I know I will.
There are times when I wish I could scrub every part of me away and begin again. Is like the person I am, the person the world has shaped me into is not the person I want to be. Not the person inside. Most of the time I loath the person I am. If I had one wish, it would to be to go back in time and do it all over again but with the knowledge I now possess. That way I can avoid all the pain I will cause people and I can avoid all the pain I have caused myself.
It's that fear that controls me. Fear dominates my life. Not in massive ways but in small little ways each and every day. Fear is natural. It's part of being human. But there is so much of it in my life that I have opted out of life and numbed the pain with my "electronic drug".
So there are two things I must do, first not let my fear define my world. It is something that all humans live with, but I cannot let it control me. Second, if I hate the person I am so much then I must kill him. Destroy every part of him that is inside me, hollow me out and begin again. But how far do you have to go to escape everything I am and became everything I want to be?