I then read. Well read
isn't really the right word for it. Devoured is what I did. I devoured a book.
A series of books actually. There is this author, Mary Calmes, she writes M/M
romance novels, and I am loving her work. I never thought I would get into
romance novels but after reading her 'Matter of Time' series, I am a convert (I will be going a proper review later). The story
of Jory and Sam I found both amazing and simple. The foreshadowing of the novel
in painfully obvious, but you simply look past all that as you get drawn into
there tale of love and woe.
So lost in those two acts I just found myself completely
off in another world, worlds. I bounced between the two and for those few days
I lived in my own rabbit hole. So deep was I, I was reading until 8am on Sunday
morning. I knew it was wrong, I knew I should of gone to bed hours earlier but
I couldn’t pull myself away. Or at least that is the story I am telling myself.
Truth is, I wanted to hide from him.
Yeah I know it all comes back to him, but it is the
truth. I just couldn’t face him even though I knew he was going to be there. Even
though I knew I probably wouldn’t of even seen him, I just couldn’t be there.
But it’s not for the reasons you think. Before he cheated on me, before he
emotionally tortured me for a year, when I was at my lowest, and drove me even
lower into my own personal hell. (Yeah I know, you’ve heard all this before)
but despite all that, I miss my friend.
It’s the friendship that I miss. We didn’t work as a
couple, we should of bailed long before we did, I miss my friend. I want to be
able to text him and get a response in return. There is so much in my life I
shared with him that I didn’t share with anyone and losing that is what is
hurting the most. I wish we could grab coffee one day and talk, I could say
sorry, he could say sorry, and we could be friends. Instead of the cold
shoulder that I am now receiving. How do people do this?
Andrew died, there was no seeing him again, no sharing or talking anymore, or the
possibility of it, no getting sent emails by an anonymous person sending daily
updates on him. It was done in such a final way. Now with B, all I want is to
be able to text him and say hi, that if we see each other out we can stop for a
minute and play catch up. I was just always hoping we could be adults be like
the people we should be. The ignoring, the cold shoulder, the rejection still
hurts.
But that is not him. I know that if I had gone, that when
the inevitable happened and we would of run into each other, then he would of
walked by me and ignored me, again. The mature adult thing is beyond him. So I
sabotaged myself. I stayed up so late that when I finally passed out and
reawoke it was two in the afternoon. I know I could of come still but I just
couldn’t. So I sat and read instead I was a coward. I have come to realise that at present I am just not
strong enough to deal with that.
I hated giving up the opportunity of something I would of
loved attending, but regret is an easer emotion to handle than rejection.
Why cant we be the people that get portrayed in fiction.
Why cant we be the mature, noble creatures, that humanity deserves us to be.
Why are we all so broken and damaged. But yeah, that is why I chickened out on
going to the Big Gay Out. But don’t get me wrong, I will be going to the
Parade. So if you are going please get in touch because I need someone to go
with.
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