Oh wow. Life is a funny old game.

               I swear I must be bipolar. All day I have been in two minds. A simple war has raged inside my head. On one hand I feel sorrow. I don't mean to be rude, but I still feel isolated. I have been trying to make then best of it. Do the work my therapist has got me doing. Trying to reconnect with people again, but the only way I can is online. So I post, I blog, I comment on Facebook. And yet all I appear to be doing is driving people away.
               I know I am angry and I shouldn't be. My life, which was already on the breaking point come completely apart during those last four months. Yeah I know you have heard it all before, but while others knew it was coming I didn't. I am trying to do the best I can and I am sorry if I am hurting people. It's not what I want. I just wish everyone could just be friends again.
                And yet while the loss of a few people has me sad, the blogging, commenting, Facebooking, is having a positive result. For me, writing everything down, running everything through with words, It just helps make everything clearer in my head. The noise, the chaos in there gets calmed and I can think again. What has also been great is that I have been reconnecting with people, old friends and new.
               Talking to people, one again getting in touch with those that are my friends and family, it has all been a blessing. I cannot fathom what would ever possess to have done that in the first place. Talking to them, texting them, messaging them. It gives me hope that one day it may all be okay.
               And then the sadness comes in again for all those friends I have lost and I have no way to apologise to them and find a away to make it all okay. It a vicious cycle in my head. Since everyone needs to become be friends again and won't it just keeps going on.
               I shouldn't feel guilty about it. I am trying to do my best to make things right. If others won't try, then I can't force them. If other others have problems with others, then that isn't on me. But it does way heavy on my heart. If I had my way. I would gather everyone together in a remote location, like they do in a sitcom, and strand everyone there until everything gets resolved. I am sick of how everyone is treating one another, all I con do is try to do my best.

               But let me ask another question. Am I a bear? I know I am not a think, haven't been one of those since I got back from Sydney. I know I am not a gym bunny. I am bigger than the average gay, so am I a bear? I don't think it would be such a bad thing if is was. I actually like the idea. I remember back when there was Kamo, Loren had a showing of bear art work and I found one or two of those pieces quite moving. But liking art, that doesn't make one a bear.
               Oh gosh, I don't know what I am saying. It's late and I am tired. I didn't sleep last night, I spent all morning working with people to clean out the water tank. I had a busy afternoon in town, meeting with people and running errands. When I got home, there were lawns to be mowed and weeds to be dug out. I spent all afternoon texting a friend. All night on Facebook, chatting with more friends. I need sleep. I have to help a friend move tomorrow so I have another busy day ahead. And where do you buy togs, or clothes for the Pride Gala on Saturday.
               On a side note, all day I have Sandi Thom in my head. "I wish I was a punk rocker with a flower in my hair".

               Anyway, till another time.

               Troy.