The pain of losing him comes in waves. When it's quiet and I have time to feel, that's when the sorrow covers my heart. I don't know why really? After everything he did, after he went out of his way to hurt me and I miss him.
But is it him that I miss or the memory of what we had? When we were first together it was brilliant. Or so I remember it that way. Bt it's the way I want to remember it. The nights I awoke and he was sleeping and I felt safe and content. When he would hold my hand as we walked down the street, I never worried. When I would hear his laugh and my own heart was lifted. I remember all that, I remember the way he made me feel and I cry for it's loss.
I ignore the pain or I blame myself for it all. In the beginning he was a champion. He was thrust into a situation that neither of us were ready to deal with. I tried to cope as best as I could. I tried to survive and be everything to everyone. But the more I tried the more I failed. I lost my world, I lost my home and I lost my true family.
I was angry all the time, so angry at everything. I didn't want to live the life I was stuck in and I sank into dispair. I lashed out when I needn't of. I took that anger and rage and frustration out on him and I hated every moment that I did that. I needed help and instead of looking for it, instead of asking for it I turned that pain inwards and sank further and further into my depression.
I don't have the words to express how sorry I am for the things I did, for the way I treated him. I cannot blame him for finding love and happiness else where. The were the things he deserved. I just wish he had left me sooner. I knew the moment he fell in love with someone else. I saw it after that visit to the hospital. I just wish he had left me then and there. It would of been kinder.
Our final year together, from October to the following September, I consider that a period when he sought his revenge on me. When he pulled away, distanced himself from me. I was the change in attitude. The double standards. Everything he denied me he gave to another and as I heard about it, as I watched it, I broke even further. I sank so low. He knew ever which way to hurt me and, it seemed to me that he went out of his way to break me. It became the worst year of my life. He made it the worst year of my life.
So why do I miss him? Why do I still love him? Or is it even him that I want or the memory of the man he could of been rather than the man he turned out to be that I miss? After Andrew died I spent years closing myself off. I was afraid to open myself up and let someone in, to trust again. Previously I isolated myself and lived as a shadow of a man. For a few months he awakened all those feeling in me, I felt whole, complete, I felt like a real person. When my blood family changed the course of my life, when they and he spent two years hurting me, it was a new kind of hell because I was truly feeling again.
In the last several months I have had a major shift in my life. A need to find a way out of the blackness I have been living in and to try and reclaim some of those feelings back for myself. I know I stand on a precipice, one false move and I fall again. I know I should be able to do this on my own. Hopefully I can. But what I want is to know that I have the support of someone that loves me. Truly loves me. I don't want to lose myself again. I need to leave that black void. I cannot keep hurting myself and others the way I have been. I know I should be strong enough to be able to do all this on my own. That 'me' should be enough. But to love agin, to have someone in your life, it's a dream that I never thought was possible, until he showed me that it might be.
So I still cry at night, but is it the loss of him that I am crying for, or the loss of a dream that becomes fainter with each night sleep?
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