After the Parade

First off I need to say an apology, apparently. Today was speaking to someone and was told the stuff I am posting here is hurting people. Well two people really. 

My writing and the way I am sorting out the things in my head, the way I am working through all my issues, I have been told that what it is doing is poisoning the minds of people and damaging other peoples friendships. If that is true, then I am forever sorry. 

My only goal with this is to work through all the stuff which I am thinking, doing, feeling, and post any writings that I make. Please remember this page is nothing but the working of my own messed up mind. Try to not take anything I write or post here as fact. Its my own unique interpretation of the events that I live through, the way I see them, think about them, feel about them. These thoughts here are all my own.

That being said, if something I say offends then tell me. Either in a comment here or on Facebook. I wont be offended. In fact, I want to hear from you, from everybody. I like hearing about different view points in a rational argument. There is no better way to learn or explore different ideas unless you talk about them. Just shutting down, not talking, complaining to others instead of me, come on people that is just not on. 

Anyway, now we have got that out of the way (please understand I really didn’t want to talk about anything like this tonight) I can finally write about what I truly wanted to post here. The Pride Parade :)

First off, I need to apologies to all those that were in Auckland's Pride Parade and helped put it together. I am sorry I missed it. Extremely sorry about that. When I looked on Facebook and the post said the parade was from four till seven, and after experiencing the Sydney Mardi Gras which actually does go for three hours. So when I got there at four forty five and everyone was walking back I was in shock. Over already? Was it intentionally short or is Auckland really just that small. Living in Sydney during my formative gay years ruined me.

So with egg on my face for being late, I had to find friends and say how wonderful it all was and I am sure the pictures were amazing. (On a side note, every half hour I was checking pages to see what I had missed so I could fake it if I needed to.) Ponsonby did look wonderful, and the people I saw walking back, they were all amazing and brilliant. I was in awe of the little I did see.

Friends were soon found, hugs and kisses exchanged. Laughs and not so subtile ribbing for missing everything. Apparently as much as I wanted it to go unnoticed, it was noticed. All this fun and more before the walk back to a friends hotel room. It was wonderful catching up with people I hadn’t been able to hung out with in nearly two years. Falling into old patterns, it all just came back. The ease of everything, the camaraderie, the flow of conversation, it was like those years never happened. The distance that had been put in place just all went away. I cant speak for the others but for me, it was the best I had felt in a long time and the night was only just getting started.

So dinner came next. I got to chose the place so I ended up going for asian. Tanuki's cave is a place I hadn’t been too in forever. If you don’t know the place, its on Queen St in Auckland City. Just up from the Civic Center. The place is underground. There are no windows, so think like a box. At the bottom of the stairs, to your right, is the kitchen on the back wall there. In the middle is a bench top that does a complete three sixty box shape of its own. You sit at the bench. The servers are all in the middle serving. You order off the menu, but the helpings aren’t big. Its great because you order lots of little things and it all comes at different times, some on skewers, it all just makes for one of the best dining experiences. 

Again, company was excellent. Sadly I can’t remember a thing about what we talked about. My memory on that stuff is always bad. I know we catched up, talked about what had been going on in our lives over the last couple of years. Specifics escape me, but I know we talked about everything. It was ‘Such Fun’.

Full and sated we went to round up some other who had to work. Who hadn’t eaten. Who were hungry. We went to Denny’s. I had pancakes with blueberries and a strawberry milkshake. I know its stupid but come on. Dessert Breakfast. What could be better?

By then it was finally time to ‘go out’ and go out I did. I had only thought I would be there for a couple of hours.

I was in town till six in the morning, and I don’t regret a single minute of it. 

Eagle was the first stop. When I approached the bar there was this massive throng of people out front. I saw it and just thought this place is packed. It took nearly two minutes to walk a meter but when I made it into the club it seemed so empty. Are there really that many smokers? Saw Ben. God he was looking good. The glasses were gone, now with facial hair. I had never seen him look so good before. I mean he was always Ben, but now he was Ben (just imagine the slight infliction on the first part of the syllable., I am). Eagle looked good and kept running into heaps of people. The whole place started to remind my of Kamo and the vibe that used to be there.

One of my friends is a journalist. So while we partied she had to go to the Pride functions and take photos and stories. I got to tag along. The first stop was the new bar Switch. The club is on the first floor overlooking K’rd. The moment I walked in there I knew I had been there before, before it was Switch. A bar to the right, a dance floor to the left. We went to say high to more friends, but then Rihanna came on. Her song S&M. Every time I here her now I just feel like dancing. So I grabbed a friends hand and went to see if I still remember how to move. 

And I moved, I forgot about everyone. I forgot about everything. I let the music into me and just moved. It was like how I used to feel in Sydney. I felt good again, I felt free. Then they played my song, they played ‘Titanium’ and I forgot about everything. I lost track of time. I don’t know if it was five minutes or five hours, but after what felt like a lifetime I was pulled away and told it was time to go. There is one thing I wish to relate. One moment I do remember and want to relate to you. While dancing I looked to my left and saw just how big the place was. I was truly amazed at its size. That was until someone told me I was looking at a mirror. Yes I was that idiot. Please don’t hold it against me. I am not normally that dumb. I promise. 

Galatos was next, the Unity party. It was a party for the women and there friends. I was amazing. The place looked great. A, and I am going to get in trouble for this, a psycidalic displayed was on the giant screen and I found it quite enticing. Lots of comfy chairs and sofas were around the outside of the room with a dance floor in the middle. So many happy faces, laughing, it was like a cafe nightclub mix. 

From there I want to the Rising Sun and to attend the Guy Party, or was it the Bear Party? Whatever it was called, it was awesome. The party downstairs was fully of half naked, big sweaty men. I also had massive amount of balloons. I felt like playing Kiwi Ninja, I just didn’t have a bow. What I totally enjoyed was the Violin players that were on stage. Dance music in the background, and they played there and it was probably the best music I heard all night.

Upstairs was packed. It was like the front of eagle but not just a meter think, the whole club was packed. As soon as you entered the room you were walking what felt like a curtain of heat. The temp rose, the sexy musky man sweat was there, and it was great to see so many men just cutting lose and having fun. I had never truly been to a bear event before, but it this is what its like, then I am happy to be a cub.

The others got hot and needed air, so soon we were back outside, and thats when I ran into an old friend. At first it was awkward. For me at least. And then he started telling jokes and I was laughing so hard by the end I just forgot all about everything. This guy was a complete riot and I felt so good when I was around him.

But soon the night moved on and we had to leave and move back to Eagle. I could of stayed with him, but I came with my friends, I leave with them. Thats just how I am. By this stage it was well after midnight and everyone had moved inside the bar and again I got that Kamo feeling. The place was just so fun and relaxing and, well, I have run out of adjectives for now, but when I think of a new one I will use it. 

So we partyed, drank, smoked (yeah I know I shouldn’t. It’s bad :p) and meet lots of new people, and then I turned around and he had followed me. My breath caught in my throat when I saw him there. I felt like a girl and wanted to run and be all giddy and stupid. It took me a second to smack me upside the head and remind myself that acting like that isn’t me. 

When I got a chance I had to be honest with him, so let me be up front with you reader as well. Yes I liked him, a lot. Yes I could date him, and I know that we would probably end up having a really good time. What I worry is that as there are still parts of me that are dealing with everything I can’t offer a proper chance at a relationship. Yes while it is true that I know its over and done, and I am actually happy about that, for two years he was the man I thought I would be with for the rest of my life. Those feelings, that loss, for a person that is truly feels love, it’s not something you can just drop. I feel like I have been through hell because of him and me and I know I need to heal first before I begin something new. 

So how can I offer myself to someone if I cant offer all of myself. So I told him all this, and then he spent the night driving me crazy, but in a really, really, really good way. There was a moment when he stood facing me, rubbing my shoulders (man has amazing hands), and I was staring into his grey eyes, and it took every ounce of self restraint to not run my hands through his hair, pull him towards me, to taste his lips, and feel him against me. I wanted that, to do that, but it would of been wrong and so unfair. You will probably have a different reaction to this, maybe you think I am being stupid. That I should just go with it and just see where it leads. But I rushed last time, I didn’t get to know the man before I fell and by then it was to late to see that we were just not right for each other. This time, I just wanna go slow. He is the kind of guy I could fall for easily, I just am not in a place to be able to get hurt at the moment. So slow, and if it is right, if its meant to work then it will.

So I soon it was five and Eagle had closed, not before some great songs had been played and more great dancing with my family and friends. When we eventually got kicked out and said goodbye to the people going home, we hit up the kebab place for food. While I was ordering and had my back turned apparently a guy waked up and punched a girl in the face. The girl was sitting right behind where I was standing so I didn’t see nothing. I just heard the commotion. But it that really what this country is coming to? 

Every week I hear about a stabbing at a house party, or a gathering that has gotten out of control, or someone getting murdered, and I cant help thinking what is it all coming to. Its all getting so out of hand.

Anyway, it’s three am and I need sleep. I still feel hungover, which is weird because I didn’t drink. So I will post this and one of the stories I sent to University. Please comment on either, or both. 

Anyway, blog to you later.

Troy.